sianz.. yesterday had my Ocom test.. it was kinda sucky.. hate le loh.. heheheheh! anyway.. tht's over.. yesterday stayed at home will it's time for me to go sch... heheh after tht.. my friend came to sch to drive me out... we went to pasir ris.. wah.. far rite.. muahahahhah! went to the fisherman's village there... but too bad.. was feeling good yesterday.. then didn't makan loh.. only go there for a drink.. talk talk.. then he drove me back home.. sigh.. tht's my day yesterday! boring day right?! hehehe sigh..

came back home at around 21:00h... pondering over alot of things.. about what's my purpose of my life.. is what i'm thinking now = to what i want? what is this? confusion.. sadness.. and all emotion was jus going through me.. like no body's business. i'm sad.. jus sad... watched TV.. daze around... till i really got bored.. i sat in the corner of my room, (my comfy area) with my radio tuned to m'sia hitz fm... i began reading my book.. the purpose driven life book.. this book was presented to me by my God-mother on my birthday.. well.. ididn't read it.. we are using it for Cell group.. so i started reading yesterday... while reading.. more things flow into my mind.. about my purpose in live.. about what i'm pondering about.. i'm jus thinking.. where is God? have i been thinking of God when i'm doing all these tht i'm doing.. have i wondered.. is this all his purpose... it's God's plan that i'm here.. i'm not here by accident.. God already has us in his mind even before he create this universe for us. but still.. i ponder.. the more i read.. the more i feel like crying... what's his purpose for me.. without knowing his purpose... we are jus going aimlessly... our lifes had been driven by so many things... but... when asking.. of the many thigns that drives our life, which of those are God's purpose? honestly speaking... i do not know. i'm trying to find an answer to what is God's purpose for me? am i plain stupid not to know wht's His purpose for me? but i understood one thing yesterday.. it really hit me damn hard... i read in the book:

' i have carried you since you were borned; I have taken care of you from your birth. Even when you are old, I will still be the same. Even when you hair turns grey. I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you'

now, there's something tht's really there forever... which is this love that god has for us. but we often take it for granted. why?! even me?! i do i choose to ponder and make myself sad about loves for others and love for myself? why is my faith this little? i took him for granted... my fascinations distanced me from God.. argh! why? why?! love love love love! what's tht?! can i be borned with no feelings?! I'm pleased to be assure of God's love in this book.. really... but... but... argh! there's jus alot of buts. i hope.. and i pray that i won't be hurt again... i'm really afraid.. what i tough person i might seemed to be. but wht's inside is jus a small fragile heart that can be smashed into many broken pieces anytime. i wanna cry.. really... who can make me cry? cry and will feel better.... sometimes.. i jus hope to be close in one area.. where it's only me.. me and me.. no contact with others.. no hurts. one question remain in my mind, ' God, what is your purpose for me? Hint me, Tell me.. i don't wanna be walking along... grab my hand and never let go,'