topic of today: confidence.

had been coming to this topic since i went out with my friend in the afternoon.. happened to talk about something with regards to work.. and i mentioned confidence... and so.. ya dee ya dee.... that's how we got started.. hrd some unbelievable things... but can't stop laughing at it. i'm not proud of it anyway.. finally.. i know wht's my X-factor.. dunnoe if it's good or bad.. well.. whtever... hee.. went back for ensemble... and Mr Tan was saying.. "u all ar.. must have confidence in ur playing.. u know y u all stop? coz u all always thing u all can't make it. with that mentality. confirm can't make it de... " at this moment.. he reminded me of wht happened... last june... yes.. i have confidence.. i have confidence that i can play well.. before that.. everyone was scared, nervous, i seemed to be the only one who is calm... and i'm also the only one who shrewd the whole recital... the amt of confidence... the amt of calm-ness.. all gone... i will nv forget that day... how helpless i found.. lucky it was a jazz piece... ppl tot i was improvisin.. i think they must be thinking "wht lousy improvisation skills she have" whtever.. i almost gave up on piano playing after that.. thank God that i didn't... wht confidence do i have? diao.. nvm..

lastly.. lastly.. i wanna apologise to Mr Brian Teo.... sorry... sigh... he very poor thing. becoz of ytr that incident. he has got to go through alot of trouble... but now.. i don't really know wht exactly is happening... -confused- sigh...

i need someone to talk to now.. after ytr... there's alot of things that happened.. i think i gave the wrong body language that some ppl think that i've alr accepted him.. yes.. maybe i'm concerned about him.. but sorry.. i'm still not ready to accept u into my life once again...in fact, i still dislike u.. yes... all of u can tell me i will regret it one day.. but now.. this bullhead gal don't think she will... coz u haven't been doing anything in my life.. nothing i can remember. it's all childhood memories.. thank u for giving my such a good childhood. thank u for making me a spoiltbrat. thank u for teaching me how to be independent thank u for allowing me to jump up and down on u last time... and thank u.. let me tell u.. becoz of this.. i've got fear towards marriage.. becoz of this. i've got fear towards many many things that u didn't know... i would like to take out this hate-ness and live as per normal. but i don't know how to.. the things u had done... to me, and to others, will always be a scar. even if i can forgive u.. when i remember how u treated the other.. i really can't... can't... i'm sorry. (i know that there might be a risk that he's reading. but this is wht i'm really thinking. but if u really can't accept wht i've write.. i would urge u to think of ur actions. it takes time.. i need longer time than u. i'm not a kid anymore.)