after not blogging for months.. i'm back... past months.. so much had happened went for HK trip.. don't ask me how's it... i will say no good. anyway.. sch started weeks ago... and stress is conquering me... ppl who know me knows that i can't take stress well. everynight of my recent nights are jus night mare... yesterday's was the worst. i totally didn't slp at all, and here i am, blogging at 7.50am. i can't help but to think, and feel myself with saddness and pessimism. i guess some friends had been shocked due to my "reaction" I'm very sorry to you all. but i can't help it
i felt as if the whole world is turning against me. i can't take stress.. and there are projects after projects... and there's much more behind the projects. i don't know how i can serve God with all my abilities. in short, i've got no abilities at all! i doubt about my presence... i think God must be so unhappy with me. i wanna feel impt.. i wanna know that i'm impt... i wanna feel secure, i wanna know that some one cares... i almost did things to a limit ytr... i almost wanted to wake my mom up and ask her y did she spend so much time, effort and money to bring me up? but i know.. if i ask that.. she will be so hurt. i wanna talk to Mr. X bout this. but i guess he's sick of me being in that shape. since day 1 i know him... i've been on my weak side.
i've lost all my self-confident, my serious-ness, my no excuses and no nonsense attitude. where's melinda? don't ask me. i'm jus an empty shell of melinda now.. hw i dislike myself... i still think i belong to IMH. i am not able to control my emotions, mental problem..
there are so many ppl i should look up to, or rather.. learn from. but i'm selfish, i compared myself with them. it's like comparing the earth and the heaven (direct chinese translation?). instead, i am the one who hurt myself. how dumb rite.. i KNOW i'm not living for myself nor any mankind on earth.. but God... but y can't I do that? this makes me dislike myself even more. y aren't i a normal kid. yes, i'm aware of those who are more unfortunate than me. but i envy and admire them for their will and determinations. i'm just easily paranoid.. and blar blar. anyway, have got to go.. go and do my stuff... *waves* bye bye
