i'm jus a stupid fool in the end... doing something that is nv meant to be... can say i waited le ba... but.. be it.. how pretty i'm going to get.. how nice i will become.. nothing will change.. will it gain ur attention? no.. to me.. he's the cause of that change... he's the cause of ur change... it's my fault... all my fault... let my cry... slap me.. tell me.. to wake up.. this is not going to happen.. yup.. ppl tried... they tried to tell me... but i didn't heed it... i pissed them off... and shook them off... haaaa.. at the end.. what do i have?

-i pray for God to take me away... to a land far far away from here.. where there's no one here to hurt me... God.. have u hrd ur child cry?-

useless.. i don't go church.. i do nothing... God forgives.. even if he does.. i won't forgive myself for them..

hhahaha.. this is my... second time blogging in a day... was tlaking to my cousin... when suddenly... he bring up this character.. ROCKMAN!!!!! tsk tsk!!! i used to play rockman's game other than super mario int he pass.. well.. i dunnoe how many of u did... but.. i did.. i don't think much ppl know about him mah... but... my cousin brings me back to him again!!!!!! lalalaal!!! wondering who's rockman?!! shuai ge..!
Aint he cute?!! darn it!!! *drools* tsk.. anywya... still got bdae wishes coming in.. -_-! hahaha alright.. and they are from... my cutie cousin who's only 9yrs old today... and woot!!! thanks guys...

i am happy... since ytr evening... haaaa... hmmm... not because of where i went... what i got... yar lah.. it might be partly due to that.. but i deemed it more than that...

now i know.. for things.. that i've been thinking for.. at least a yr.. i'm still carrying a flame, hoping that it may happen.. i'm really not the person whom u might seem.. it's.. different when certain things happen...

i can feel that i'm a changed lady from that melinda whom ppl night know.. beginning of this yr..... though i may still be talkative to some ppl... but i really hope that i stop that talkative-ness towards him or her.

i don't wanna gain weight anymore.. i wanna stop eating!!!! no more melinda. i don't wanna be a fatty anymore.. =( no one wants..

watching certain things now.. make me realised what i really wanted... maybe alot of ppl already guess it.. but i had been denying... but of course.. i know my limits... what i shuld go into.. what i shouldn't... perhaps, i should not jus let certain things rule like that..

i remembered those days we had a few yrs back.. and i tell u... those memories are still floating clearly in my brain.. like as if they are fresh.. i don't know if u still remember... i hope.. one day.. the scene willreplay again.. but with both party.. meaning it this time round...

i should take a step back....

p.s i realised the i missed out some pics.... no wonder i feel so... empty when i blogged ytr..

hahaha.. me again... sigh.. i must hide all my fats!!!

Me and leen.. hahaha she looks like a teacher in her specs.. doesn't she?

hahaha.. with that peanuts balloon... and not forgetting.. my fats.. again!!! -_-

ALL our food for the night!!!!!! tsk tsk

Once again.. a BIG BIG THANK YOU to all of u....

-with lots of hugs and kisses... Mellie-

MELINDA IS BORED!!! VERY VERY BORED...

tsk tsk!! my 300th post!! also a post about my 19th bdae.. old liao... boo!!! actually, after this bdae, i suddenly realised that.. bdae is actually nothing... it's jus like a normal day and such.. kee.. then only *plus* point is that u can get pressies laa~! =x alright... my celebration started on... saturday with brian, leen, haz and sarah... once again.. went to marina (bah!! it has became a boring place for me) leen and i managed to slack/ stone for so about 2 hours before they came.. was expecting haz to boo us from behind like as usual.. but what i saw was.. 2 lilies appearing from out of nowhere.. tsk!! and that was brian.. then.. came haz with a tulip and a peanut balloon.. then sarah with that.. baby sunflower!! tsk.. oh!! and leen with her sunflower! i was so blur... and i actually believed that the flowers are from her friends to her!! =x tsk! went to millenia walk de Uberburger for dinner... the ambience was nice.. then back to marina to get my tomato can!!!! weeeee.. finally!! =x and went for fondue!! yups

Sunday is really my slping day!!! slp and slp and slp.. then slack one whole day. before i went to have steamboat with my sec sch friend.. cool!! didn't meet up for v long already.. kekekke.. we spent the whole night talking about stupid stuff... kekeke... oh.. and they gave me a braun wallet... lalalal! i love the smell of it!

bleah.. i don't talk to much rubbish le bah.. hahahah but.. i wanna talk those who remembered and wished me Happy bdae.. tsk!! simple sentence... but good enough.. the first bdae sms almost make me cry.. hahahahhaa.. that was from Han Ying.... bleah.. alright...

those ppl are, Han Ying, Jun wei, Glenda, Liyu, Celine, Shi Ying, Chun Yup, Jun Wen, Beatrice, Yuri, Melissa, Mom, Andris, Grace, Eddie, Pearl Lynn, Jasmine Koh, Jasmine Lim, Paige, Wendy, Hui Qi, Valerie, Vidhya, Pei pei, Shirley, Jasper, Chiu, Benedict, johnathon, Alvin, Mervin, Cheng Yee, Peee, Leen, Sarah, Hui Xin, Wen Bin, Veronica, Hui Fen, Jin ting, hui Qian, Maurice, Gim Yee.. erm.. did i miss out anyone.. i'm sorry if i did!! i was quite surprised that some of them remembered. none the less... THANK YOU SOoooooooooo MUCHIE!!!

next up!!! pics... of my pressies... and... dinner...

At marina with all my flowers and balloon...

That's leen, brian.. and.... Me.. enjoying our fondue!!!

Sunflower from leen

Lilies from brian!!!

Tulip from Hazmi... together with the.. balloon..*hmm.. the baby sunflower pic is lost... sorry rah!!!*

My new Braun!!!

and this is from... hahaha.. i don't tell u who.. i better not.. before.. someone says something

okie!!! that's all for my bdae.. everything had come to a close le.. back to normal!!!!!!!! having e-learning week this week.. gonna take one more day of rest tml.. and i'm gonna... MUG!!!!! sigh.. this yr die le.. don't understand antyhing at all!!! today's chatlog was darn irritating.. why must ppl put some stupid comment in when it's suppose to be serious.. do they ever know when to get serious? i'm sorry that i'm such an attitude person.. but i think.. that.. one should know when to be serious and when to have fun...

after so much.... i'm quite disappointed in somethings.. anyway.. thanks for everything guys!!!

things always get so exciting when it's at the beginning stage, when things gets longer... things jus get bored... ppl will get sick of it.. sigh... what am i talkng about? i dunnoe.. it jus came through my mind... the past 2 days was spent going out... yup... out with celine.. and today leen... don't know what is the factor.. but i'm getting a lil sat... the feeling of being v hurt... like whatever, ppl always says nothing good comes out of me. maybe that's the case..

getting more and more quiet as each day pass... i've got nothing to say.. and no one would listen to me.. coz i'm such a idiotic gal... since when am i a ms nice gal? no wonder everyone hates me rite?

yes, i am v neglected, perhaps, i really deserve it.. who ask me to be such a gal with such a bad attitude... brian once say, ppl give certain things to u.. becoz they feel that u really deserve it.. maybe i really deserve it.. maybe one day.. everyone will walk away from me.. and left me alone... or maybe, with my departure will brings a better world? my presence will always be the last to be notice, unless i did something bad and mean...

all my post had been fuckingly stupid and childish.. i also know that... i'm always a gal who's that un-understanding.. i'm always that gal whom ppl dislike...

i know this is only going to be a passing phrase... i promised not to cry.. but i can't control my tears..

Han Ying
The way i said certain things coz certain things matters lots to me... maybe it only works one way... if it trigger-ed you, i can only apologise. and no, i am not talking about cheryl. each single word i type out.. is not happy.. i'm not happy writing these post.. yes, maybe i might understand if i'm in ur shoes... perhaps, after all these, you know why would anyone complain about me or bitch about me.. becoz i'm such a slut. but all i can say is... i'm rather hurt by what you have said as well (not entirely from your blog)... i didn't purposely put things here to drop a hint to u or to make u angry.. maybe, i'm more suitable to be jus a hi-bye friend to anyone. Thank you for making my days during those days when i'm sad... all the best to you....

-nothing i do.. will ever be right/ good/ worthy-

GRUMPY GRUMPY!!!!! hmmm.. i couldn't slp at all last night, spent the whole night tossing and turning... bah!! booo!! am very lethargic now... well.. life has to move on... i've finally decided to get him out of my life.. no point waiting... in the end will get nothing in return. hmmm... anyway.. ever since hearing certain stuff.. i've been quite uneasy.. maybe it's the root of the reason of certain things.. maybe... but i've started to avoid all of them/ those. hmm.. no longer feel the same..

anyway.. ytr went to tomato can... i really like that bag.. still thinking about it.. hahaa but celine say it's big... and i kinda agree too.. like it partly coz it's simple and it has got a fixed shape. yup.. hmmmm.... still considerating... sigh.. i'm so fickle minded!!! =x

it's a weekend... why don't i feel excited??

boo!!! so fast.. it's thurs le! weekend's coming... but.. like so dull!! dunnoe where mama will bring me to makan.. or maybe i'm the only special one?? that has got no celebration with e fam this yr?? shall see... GSS starts from tml.. but.. boo!! nothing nice to buy de.. all out-of-season de stock.. pian ren de!!! =x

*argh.. can it stop raining*

i'm going to Tomato Can.. hmm.. talking about it.. the more i like it.. but don't know how well will it suite me... roughly told celine the design.. she say it's my pattern. lalallalalaa.. my pattern really v easy de lah.. hahahaz.. oops!

tml's friday... means today is the last day to sms me if she really remembers what she said.. but i don't think so lah.. now that she has got new friends... and with the return of someone close... i guess.. i've been chucked aside.. nvm.. shall stay home then..

another day jus passed... i havent been home so early since dunnoe when... am hardly home... i feel like a bad gal man... everyone seems so tired this week... don't know why... well.. a week is going to pass v fast... it's already tues now.. tml is wed... weekend is approaching... but.. stil.. only got plans on sunday.. hope they don't last min back out again... everyone around me, including myself, is v good at backing out.. i'm still thinking whether i wanna stay home... who knows i might jus fall sick tml... been having a sore throat for days... feeling feverish now...

as days pass.. my disappointment reduces... maybe... ... ... i learn to be more and more "can't be bothered". somethings in life.. we can't choose...

anyway!!!! thurs i wanna go town!!! confirm no one go with me de.. i think i'll end up staying at home... hmmm.. maybe go tomato can and buy the thing i wanna buy... can't be bothered how much it cost already... even if now... i see a bag that cost hundreds.. i will still buy.. oh yar.. i still have accessories for the wedding to buy... sigh.. we shall see about it lah...

apparently.. some ppl have new friends and forget about me le.. nvm... it's another cycle again... empty promises again...

should i go on friday?? or home sweet home??

i'm fuckingly pissed over a box of chocolate.. and yes.. i am petty.. so... go and talk about these behind of me! are all guys like that or only the guys at my house are like that?! they are freakingly impolite!!! i've got a box of choc at home... only after 1 day... the whole freaking box is gone!!!!! can't he tell me when he wanna eat it?!!!! i will let him eat!!! don't eat my things and eat finish them?!!! i feel like dragging him out of his bed now and scold him.. fuck lah!! u don't jus eat my stuff w/o asking rite? he jolly well know that mom doesn't buy this kinda junk and put at home!! that's jus not some simple and ordinary chocolate can!! i'm angry la!!!! angry till i wanna cry!! irresponsible leh.. now that stupid box of choco is gone lah! i'm not petty over the choco.. it's not normal ones!!!!!!!!

like whatever lah... nothing is ever fair to me... my sister is sick.. and i've got to stay up till 12am... see if she's still having fever.. and feed her with her medicine.. when i'm having a damn headach now... (when i'm sick.. hardly anyone walk into my room).

judging by things i know.. and how much i knew certain stuff... my mood for the coming week becomes negative... like as if the stock market fall until cannot fall... it's gonna be like how i felt last yr.. what i remembered from last yr... i remembered an agreement made to me last yr.. i doubt that person is gonna fulfil it anyway.. he/she would most prob forget about it... like i got used...

well.. finished sch kinda early... went town... and met up with pei pei to pass her her bdae present.. the past weeks i've been so busy to buy her present.. went for her party empty handed =x hahahah!! nvm.. we catch poseidon... was a nice movie.. at least it didn't make me teary.. i hardly walk out of the cinema not being teary.. hahahaha..

who says i'm a kai xin guo.. who thinks i have a nice smile? they are wrong.. i'm none of those.. if i am once those... maybe.. but.. u won't see that part of me from now on.. all the pics i've taken.. the smile... fake.. so fake... i wanna have a last good cry... hope it's gonna be last.. and i could forget what happened for the past 3 years.. what i feared most.. is happening.. coz i'm letting it to happen. maybe i'm dumb.. or maybe i'm not.. it's diff to have someone like this... is it becoz u know ppl too well that things became like this? my world came down on me... it's so hard.. so so so hard.. i'm sounding like someone whom everyone hates.. i know.. and so detestful... i dislike myself too.. how much i say.. things also won't change... coz.. i only make myself more detestful to ppl.. there's nothing that i do.. is good enough for anyone... other than my mom.. i jus don't hold any place to anyone. i was naive.. no.. holding a place doesn't mean... those kinda holding a place in the sense of... getting.. more than jus friends.. i've nv thought about that. nvm.. you've got plently of friends... it doesn't make a difference if i'm there or not.. but it makes a diff to me.. nvm.. i'll learn..

concert was nice today... a big THANK YOU to all my clarinetist and the PnC comm... as well as apologies to them.. sorry for taking all my temper.. i know it's hard on ur part as well...

concert's tml.. sighie... not excitement.. nothing...

glad to gather with my family members jus now.. had been long since i saw my cousins... all of us has been busy with our little life.. the next big gathering will be on the 3rd.. i hope that it will be great.. i miss my childhood days how i go to my cousin's house and "camp-ed", how i always wanna go my aunt's place, how i turned her newly bought bananas into "black" banana and got scolded by my aunt for the first and last time.. the nights when we wake up late jus to eat in a tent... the days when we "pitch" tents and slp in it.. the days... when we showered together, slpt together, went fantasy island together.. everything!! i want them back... even though i'm the "youngest" there... but it's always filled with great fun... well.. the days are over... we've all grown up now.. studying, working, dating... how i long for those days again...

i don't know whether i died down.. or things around me died down... i no longer laugh, no longer smile... turning more and more like a stone. sigh.. after this week, maybe things will get better.. maybe it's not.. with projects coming in, common test coming up, band.. and work. it seems like, it's going to get busier for me. not better. i hope everything's gonna be really really ok.. -takes a deep breathe-

nope, i've yet to recover, the feelings are still as sucky... i know one wrong thing happen.. and i can continue crying... jus like this morning, han han sms me.. dunnoe why.. seeing her simple sms asking what i'm doing today gets me teary.. i'm feeling so heavy... so stressed... still stressed... dunnoe over what.. sigh...

This is quite outdated already.. but yup, went to Momo to celebrate wendy and jas lim's bdae on the 10/05/06 my class gals all went except for 3... even the one who's the guai-est went..

this looks totally stupid... so spastic...

of all the pics..i like this most.. didn't take much pics.. becoz i was darn tired that night..

me Jasmine and wan ching.. now, wan ching can fight with me liao.. see how low is that? =x (she better not be reading this post before she get me killed)

and a group pic before we leave!

=) that's for wendy and jasmine's celebration...

i feel so stupid.. i feel so hurt.. i can feel the tears of mine are dying to come out of my eyes.. i wish i could cry.. i wish i can be as heartless to turn my back at ppl. ya... other ppl more impt.. i deserve it.. ppl don't... serve myself rite. i can't see any place on this earth for me. i don't know why i'm here. i wish i'm gone. i've got no will to be alive at all. i wish i'm dead. everyone change.. change change change lah! u wanna go and smoke.. go and drink for all i care. coz since day 1.. i know u would become like that sooner or later.

some guys might think that it's understandable.. that need not be stated, or said. some guys.. think they deserve it, that's why people are giving it to them. some guys thinks that keeping it that way.. is a right way... i would say.. GALS ARE NOT TO BE TREATED THIS WAY?! where are all the gentlemen in this world? gals dominate in everything? yar.. gals can be as good as guys.. but certain things... certain responsibility still plays a part.. i don't feel like a gal at all! i'm not treated like a gal.. pampered like a gal. I AM A GAL.. perhaps.. becoz i'm a FAT gal.. that makes me different.. perhaps... (i'm gonna bring this not nice thing out) becoz... i'm a gal who has BIGGER assets.. that makes me different. but so what?

i'm disappointed. it makes me feel that ppl are attached to me for something.. in pri sch.. no one attached to me.. co i'm a bitch.. in sec sch?? once my grades are A, u can see alot of ppl approaching me. and now? not grades that matters.. not talent that matters.. but it makes me feel that money is the factor. NO, i'm not rich, definitely i'm not... but i jus at times.. have a lil extras.. that's all.

i started re-thinking about certain things.. maybe i gave u the wrong impression, that made u have such a perception towards me. if it's really that impression that u have... i'm really disappointed... i rather u leave my life. i don't feel treated like a normal gal.. when i speak to other elder guys about it.. they shook head.

i feel so outcast from everywhere... i don't need sympathies from anyone.. i feel that i can't mix in with anyone, my friend, band, class.. i'm jus a fucking bitch. what else? with a stupid temper. i can't stand things that are slow.. i can't stand nonsense... who can stand me? as much as those who hated me wanna know how can my friends tahan me.. i don't know too. i only know i'm a big bitch that's all. there's no sense of belonging. i feel stupid, foolish.. i think i'm jus a slut.. who can be played by anyone.. anyplace.. i no longer have any value in me. i'm not worth a penny.

had the worse headach ytr.... tsk.. but i saw that man again!!! haha.. kinda brings up my mood a lil lah.. but ytr wasn't intending to go for band at first.. becoz i've got my report to do.. i haven't start when i have to submit and present on monday, so wanna stay home.. who knows rah told me that there's no one.. so.. went reluctantly.. BAH! alright lah.. band finish early..

my memories are failing me... my brain is like rusting... concert is coming... projects are going to be due... wedding is coming too... it's all adding stress to me... sigh.. lucky for my headach.. i took a breather today... didn't go for my first lecture... woke up with the headach still..

lalalalla! i'm mad... not in the best of mood.. but kinda.. heavy mood.. must be lac of slp from ytr.. was so slpy since band prac ytr... today what's more i wakie at 5.30am.. and didn't drag myself out of bed.. like.. got used le? hahahahz... and i didn't take a nap? tsk!

something freaky is happening to me... i dunnoe wht's wrong.. has something got into me? am i not the melinda? who am i then? sigh.. if that's really happened, then wht about my dream ytr? will it happen? whtever.. i've anticipated it, but not as drama as the dream i had i guess...

anyway... was going to my friend's blog jus now.. came across this one person.. whom i know well lah... then.. there's something.. that brought... a lil.. heartach to me small lil hrt.. (sigh.. wht eng am i using). *you know i notice small details well* anyway.. doesn't matter.. i'm different.. in a good or different sense.. doesn't matter.. it doesn't matter as much as it does in the past... i'm jus a emo freak.. but no.. this ain't turning my tears tap on..

i'm missing him again.. stupid.. sigh

why why why why??! y do i seem to be the only one??? congrats... there won't be anyone to bug u anymore. -i surrender- aiya.. even if i say i die.. u also won't care.. "doesn't voice out doesn't mean dont care" yar.. i think it's really don't care. i'm more like a bugger.. more like a irritant. what have i? like a beee buzzing at ur ears.. sscolding u.. reprimanding u. what else do i know to do? yar.. i mean nothing.. not even a cent worth. maybe others are more worthwhile. maybe when the same words comes out from different mouth means better. i shall hide away since i'm such a pest. u made me feel so. thanks so much. i know u will NEVER try to address this. it's ok.

i don't wish to move an inch now.. a part of me seemed lost. i feel like hiding away.. i think i'm worthless.. i mean nothing.. i'm stupid.. and i'm dumb. still the same sentence.. who appreciate what i does? (han i know u say you'd i know)

i'm always different from others... whenever ppl are with me.. they are always different. WHAT'S WRONG??! i feel so inferior.. i feel ever down. i tried.. and i don't wish to continue.. coz... after everything.. things will be the same... at times... i wish to be involve in an accident, and see who will come.. but.. seeing things.. i bet anyone will come. NOT even the ones i deemed will come. at most hazmi? but not after tml.

tears are rolling down again... i'm hurt by this.. for months.. i've not been thinking about it. i also don't know why such feelings came back today after a conversation. maybe that person alr wanna tell me as much to stay out of his/her life? maybe.. he/she would most likely say "anything u say. or if u think that way.. i've got nothing to say"

i don't understand why.. some ppl can jus yak all their way throughout one 2 hours lectyre.. it's making me freaking irritated loh.. like... sigh!! can u all jus shut up!! i wanna listen to the lecture! sighie..

what has gotten into me? more and more cock ups.. more and more lethargic. sigh... kill me lah.. i'm sad sad becoz of that person again.. sigh... a lil thinking more than i should again.. who's there to comfort me?! my bestie is gone with his hectic schedule, talking to him is no longer the same... who's there who's there?

keke... so fast.. may is here... in the past, may seemed so so so so long.. but this yr.. i think it's the fastest, maybe becoz i've been busy for the first half of the yr with studies and such ba...

lalalal.. may's here.. may's here.! what am i so excited for??! nuts already laaa... booo!!

i'm officially a pig now... slpt from 1pm till 6.30pm.. and i'm going to slp SOOn.. kekekek! =x

-yawn- i'm tired!!!!! v v v v v v v v v tired.. haven't been slping early.. not enough sleep... i'm like a walking zombie.. freaking blur now... very careless and such... nowadays.. i can really put one hand on the table... and jus slp like that. boooo!!! give me slp.. ROAR!!!!

kekekeke.. i am so tired that if u asked me what i did ytr.. i need to think for v long... bah. anyway... the past week was tired.. with lots of things around.. met up with ppl... work, blar.. kekek.. went mount faber ytr... but went home early... coz ting knows i'm working at 6am.. alallala... she's so thoughtful rite? -shhh- kekek

however, in this week, becoz of certain serious matter... i've became disappointed with a certain someone. lucky for me, some were understanding and got me to fight for it. that is actually a "regulations" given by the government body. sigh.. lalalal.. whtaever.. ok.. i'm here tot alk crap once again.. kekekekek bah