when will this darn cough of mine gonna stop? it's torturing me everynight..

i'm feeling moodless

lost.

what else?

i see my dream flying away from me

but what can i do?

ah! pessimistic again... but i really feels that no one cares.. concert's over.. some bonds were brought closer together.. some were brought further apart.. and those that were brought further apart. i wanna say.. i miss it all..

suddenly felt that the stage i've been standing on doesn't belongs to me.. it's like. it doesn't feature me.. suddenly, i think that no one thinks for me, no one worries about me... when u help ppl.. and find out that they don't appreciate u? it's disacouraging.. but will.. it will nv stop one to continue. what have i been doing this for?! to make myself happy? hell no! i'm only happy when they are happy, but when they are happy. they forget about u..

do u think i'm always this pessimistic? i'm not... but i jus fail to show the other side.. coz u help to create this side of me. i'm feeling the same way u felt about certain things last time.. but well.. u always fail to address it.. esp when things involves me.

finally... Rondeau was over.. well.. certain things went well.. certain didn't.. but well... it doesn't matter, it's over! i've gain more than music experience from this concert... alot more.. made me open my eyes bigger and realised more things. BAH! didn't take much pics... but... i shall post it up only when i get the pics lah.. for today... jus wanna shout a big THANK you for all of you who came for the concert, Mom, aunt, sis, bro, celine, fish, ching, xin, wendy & sisters, paige, chris, aaron, jian hua, pei ting, issac, bella & mom, jin ting, mickey, johan, daryl and thomas.. did i miss out on anyone?! sorry if i did! Thanks for all ya gifts too! *muacks & hugs*

geee... -shys- lilies from TF03.. THAnKS.. love u all lots...

rose from Johan.. geee.. thanks too! hahahz... didn't expect it..

from sarah!!! sweet gal, didn't go but yet asked her mom to bring.. thanks..

this was from daryl.. more unexpected... thanks! u shouldn't go on such expenses..

from PEEE!!!! poor peee... stayed up till 3am for this.. it's really nice! she's really creative to come out with this rite.. heee!

and this.. is from joseph! though its common.. but it flew all the was from aussie.. he claimed that calbury from aussie is diff from cal. singapore... but it's my fav.. dark choc!

all these left.. are from diff ppl... the pick card was from TF03 too... thanks ppl!

oops... i think i miss out something.. Thomas' sunflower.. =x! sorry.. but.. ya.. thanks! among those gift... some i really feel so pai seh accepting lah... didn't really know them.. they are really kind... thanks... ahhh.. i still feel very bad... didn't host all of them well... sorry guys.. missed a few of u here and there... sorry!

last of all.. thanks and congrats to all NPCB peepz... esp the clarinet section! it had been wonderful... sorry that u all have to put up with all my craps.... BAH!!!

i think.. it will kills for a man to say a 5 letter word.. and that is.... S-O-R-R-Y is it so difficult to say? whereas i think it's always the female that's saying those words?!

-mood swing-

it always doesn't pay to be kind

if the selection were to take place again.. i guess.. i won't be the selected one... compared to others.. i think i'll be the last. i'm already the last now. the last to get called upon for good stuff.. the last for anyone to remember.. and the least impt to ANYONE other than my relatives. can i be impt? tell me i am...

i don't like to swing and swing.. no one likes to mood swing. i don't like to argue.. i nv like... esp with certain ppl. it hurts me to argue.. but i can't hold my silence.. yar.. some ppl say i'm insensitive.. (someone said before) but i really dislike it when i'm like a piece of transparent block. i dislike it when such things happen! i jus DOn'T LIKE IT! u think i like?!

i feel like crying

sick.. who cares anyway..

had not been having any life since my last update, it's jus, sch, work, band.. that's all.

my life sucks at this point.. again, nothing is going the right way.. everything is lost, i've got a feeling that something is happening behind my back, well, it's always the case. i won't think i will be the last to know.. but i won't know it at all.. sigh.. this has always been happening... i'm always the topic of gossips and hatred talks. i start to suspect if i'm really really making all the correct decisions.

ytr something happened, that made me feared.. i got a big fright. the person is not an impt person to me, i don't talk to him much, neither did he talk to me, he attitude towards me is super bad.. but y? when things happen i'm so uptight? so scared, scared of losing.. y? i feel like telling him that i thank God that he's safe... but nah.. we don't even talk... who am i to worry about him anyway.. i'm jus Melinda...

nothing seems to be impt already.. i can't be any down.. i feel like a stranger to everyone... i'm lack of securities.. who notices me anyway...

leave me alone

i wan to yell

i wan to cry

but no one cares...

and i don't like it

sigh.. it's boring now... waiting for time to pass the go for lecture.. as usual.. no mood for lecture.. feel like ponning.. but NO WAY! i MUST go.. hahahz ensemble was cancelled today.. so i scheduled for work.. a lil nuts ar... hahahz anyway.. so many days didn't blog le...

back in sch le... gee in my calender from now till concert day... all 7 days are filled with events and stuffs... tues i went to cantonment road... da police station... to record my statement for the thai guy case... got to know that he's gonna be send back to thailand after the court hearing.. gee... while we were there... we need to change for a visitors pass when we were there.. it was a landyard lah.. so i jus wore it and.. and some one (someone loh) say i look like some dunnoe wht kinda career woman or something. BAH! and on this very faithful day.. my company called me to inform me that they had lost my log book! wht can be better than filling in 36 boxes all over again rite...

BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH! hahahz.. but these few days i was really touched by my friends too.. esp F03.. i love u guys so much.. not becoz of wht u all have done lah.. u all jus let me realised so much.... heeee was also trying to sell my concert ticket, was so surprised that alot of them are going... i mean... i didn't expect them to go for it as it's not in their area of interest mah... one of them skipped a friend's bdae celebration becoz of it.. i've got another friend who missed a wedding becoz of the concert... i mean... i'm seriously very touched by it... i've got a few friends who was also supportive, upon hearing it, they jus agreed immediately. -smiles- thank u guys... muacks! and pls hor.. i don't love u all jus becoz u all going for the concert k? i always love u all even though i'm quite mean... BAH!

BOO... ytr's band was more shagged than normal pracs.. dunnoe y.. while playing alleluia.. i dunnoe y suddenly i'm so nervous. it's only the beginning of the piece loh.. i was so hot that i almost perspire. haha.. i bet they will say i'm mad.. coz band room is so cold.. after band went town.. wanted to look for shoes... but.. sighies.. when u wanna buy and when u can buy.. u always can't find the one u wan. then in the end.. u will waste ur money on other thigns.. sigh.. how am i going to be a financer next time when i can't even handle my money now? -tsk- while in town.. glenda called me to ask me to work today... at 6.15am.. hahaha i agreed to it. since i've got nothing on.. can slp in the noon... hee...

today, even before my alarm ring at 5am.. i woke up le... i slpt at like.. 1 plus the night before? wash up, showered, put on make up.. and got out of the house.. lucky when i got out got cab le... hahaz... coz that road was so so so quiet, no car car.. too early for anyone to go out lah.. the morning breeze was so strong.. so cooling.. as if it's going to rain soon. when i reach my work place.. my mei mei wasn't there.. lucky kelven was there.. haah.. crapped around till mei mei come loh... now i know y ME bu hao zuo liao... so tedious... can u imagine... w/o Hell a.k.a winnie, it's alr like hell, with her, wht will it be? omg.. lucky not me... (maybe in the future? boo!) did check in till about 7am? then all of them left me alone in the office =( hahhaa.. jk.. not one come in also.. so jus rot around till the next check in at 8am loh.. logged out at 9.15am.. but stayed in office till like 10 odd... did my own stuff... then went to aunt's place.. to rot.. haha.. then came home at like 5pm... slpt all the way till 8pm... actually wanna slp the night through. but i haven't do my tutorial and some other stuff.. mafan eh.. sianz... now i'm so slpy -yawn- and i'm hungry.. BAH

topic of today: confidence.

had been coming to this topic since i went out with my friend in the afternoon.. happened to talk about something with regards to work.. and i mentioned confidence... and so.. ya dee ya dee.... that's how we got started.. hrd some unbelievable things... but can't stop laughing at it. i'm not proud of it anyway.. finally.. i know wht's my X-factor.. dunnoe if it's good or bad.. well.. whtever... hee.. went back for ensemble... and Mr Tan was saying.. "u all ar.. must have confidence in ur playing.. u know y u all stop? coz u all always thing u all can't make it. with that mentality. confirm can't make it de... " at this moment.. he reminded me of wht happened... last june... yes.. i have confidence.. i have confidence that i can play well.. before that.. everyone was scared, nervous, i seemed to be the only one who is calm... and i'm also the only one who shrewd the whole recital... the amt of confidence... the amt of calm-ness.. all gone... i will nv forget that day... how helpless i found.. lucky it was a jazz piece... ppl tot i was improvisin.. i think they must be thinking "wht lousy improvisation skills she have" whtever.. i almost gave up on piano playing after that.. thank God that i didn't... wht confidence do i have? diao.. nvm..

lastly.. lastly.. i wanna apologise to Mr Brian Teo.... sorry... sigh... he very poor thing. becoz of ytr that incident. he has got to go through alot of trouble... but now.. i don't really know wht exactly is happening... -confused- sigh...

i need someone to talk to now.. after ytr... there's alot of things that happened.. i think i gave the wrong body language that some ppl think that i've alr accepted him.. yes.. maybe i'm concerned about him.. but sorry.. i'm still not ready to accept u into my life once again...in fact, i still dislike u.. yes... all of u can tell me i will regret it one day.. but now.. this bullhead gal don't think she will... coz u haven't been doing anything in my life.. nothing i can remember. it's all childhood memories.. thank u for giving my such a good childhood. thank u for making me a spoiltbrat. thank u for teaching me how to be independent thank u for allowing me to jump up and down on u last time... and thank u.. let me tell u.. becoz of this.. i've got fear towards marriage.. becoz of this. i've got fear towards many many things that u didn't know... i would like to take out this hate-ness and live as per normal. but i don't know how to.. the things u had done... to me, and to others, will always be a scar. even if i can forgive u.. when i remember how u treated the other.. i really can't... can't... i'm sorry. (i know that there might be a risk that he's reading. but this is wht i'm really thinking. but if u really can't accept wht i've write.. i would urge u to think of ur actions. it takes time.. i need longer time than u. i'm not a kid anymore.)

Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends!! today was a public hol.. but yet again.. i woke up EARLYYyyy... jus to go brian's house and pick up something.. over at his place... was kinda surprised that rah woke up so early.. (coz she got tuition mah) then when edwin reached.. his reaction was like "eh.. y are u here" HAHAZ... struggled very long.. then decided to go work.. lucky i went.. if not... they will be SUPER busy. today i alr super busy liao... only found time at 9pm to eat.. we ordered KFC.... brian came while i'm makaning to see glenda... then he kinda start learning soemthing lah.. till after work.. that's the highlight of tonight.. TA DAH!! yar.. my cousin and dad was waiting outside of my workplace to bring me for supper, that was our original plan... but it crashed all becoz of a thai man..

i was at the escalator... when i saw this man pinching my cousin's ass (my cousin is only 12... a boy) i was damn disgusted.. brian saw it too lah.. he was disgusted too... ARGH! thne i told my dad... my dad confronted him.. then my dad said that he wanna call police.. i tot he fake fake de... but really... while waiting for police.. the man wanna go away... my dad attempted to stop him and he started a fight... that my dad had to pin him down.. OMG OMG.... sigh... but i know at that moment i can't stand it.. i was screaming here and there.. but i can't remember wht was i screaming about liao.. but damn pai seh lah.. coz i was in transtar uniform. -shys- some ppl asked.. but id id'nt reply.. jus ask them to go away... the guy... a thai, keep saying.. fuck u.. fuck u... i wanna fuck u.. sigh.. i was quite pissed by that few words.. police took like 15 mins to come? to be truthful.. i was quite diappointed... coz they took quite long.. when they come.. then they took over.. dad and my cousin have to go to police station tml morning loh.. sighie.. there goes my supper.. then i realised that while waiting for me.. this thai guy alr attempted to touch my cousin's ass.. then after that, he grabbed my cousin's shoulder... and say something like "i wanna have sex with u" upon knowing that.. my dad says that he smelled of his liquor.. then tell him to go away and go home.. well.. drunk person mah... who knows he followed... and still come and pinch my cousin's ass and let me see.. DIAO DIAO!!

i was kinda worried that it affects my company.. like customer calling up and kpo.. so i told glenda wht happened.. she was funnier lah! she keep asking y i nv tel her earlier.. then she can go and fight... coz she was in a bad mood today also.. and the methods she told me ar... damn funny lah! hehehe... i think, my family is going to laugh over it.. with a person like my dad.. it's meant to be like... not very good.. he can turn it into a big joke.. DIAO! hahahz... BAh wht a unforgettable night.. nv did i expect myself to get so close to a case... sigh sigh.. and nv did i tot i would call 999 and report a case...

should i do soft straightening? i'm so tempted.. of course i will look neater in that... but then... not as dead as rebonding..

expect a call to come in today.. but it didn't.. was quite disappointed... i guess she forgot about it? talking about phone calls.. recently i've been receiving some stupid bo liao sms from this no. 76699.. was so.. eew de sms lah.. i don't even know who are they... these sms actually came in months ago.. but i didn't care lah.. i tot i gave my no. wrongly to such things.. but u know what?! such smses, charge u $1 for sms u received too! that time my bill.. solely for THAT 76699 was 40 bucks! i didn't reply at all... after that time... my smses was peacful again.. till mid of last month.. then it came it.. hell man! i bear and bear... complain to my friend loh... brian kept asking me to call M1 but then i was kinda lazy lah... till today, i bth... i received the sms while i was on the bus out to meet my friend.. so i called up M1... told them my situation, and they was kind enough to help me.. to give me the no. of that agent. and so i called.. it was something called M talk... so i told them about my situation again lah.. then the person tell me "ms.. u have subscribe to our online chat since january 2003" WAH.. i was like.. fuming mad after i heard that.. so nicely i replied "excuse me.. i've only subcribe to this no. only LAST YEAR mar/apr it's 2004.. NOT 2003!" then she keep insisting that i did lah.. then in jus said "ms, i find it ridiculous about this.. when i got these smses months ago.. i tot i did soemthing wrong.. and i jus blindly paid that 40 over odd dollars, but now that things have reach a limit.. i find it ridiculous!" i was quite pek chek with them lah.. they didn't offer to help me but insist that i did such a thing... i almost scream at the gal over the phone... i'm also in the service line.. yes.. i understand no one likes customer's yelling.. but pls offer ur help before u try to insist that i signed it up rite... in the end.. she referred me to her superior i think... but that was mins later... BAH! i wonder how will my bill look like this time round! sigh... i wonder wht's the solution that they will offer me.

HAPPY DEEPAVALI to all my indian friends! eh.. did i spell wrongly? if i did, my apologies... well well.. today had a good day.. was quite spoilt today.. so happy.. woke up damn early today... so... laze around before going for work. reached work place was kinda early.. han ying was busy.. haha.. so only chat around with glenda.. then awhile later go TGM le... did all the data entry from MTF till about 6pm then go home..

while walking home... my sis called... coz i asked her to buy some food for me.. then she asked me to wait downstairs.. and that dad will bring us out for dinner.. and so he did.. went to teck whye. wht we wanted to eat didn't open.. but we had fun laughing at my cousin.. poor him, always kanna by my dad... well.. though going out with my dad was fun coz of all the jokes... but.. still... (those who knows... knows) but i feel like a spoilt brat today again.. becoz of me.. they have to drive all the way back to panjang first then go for dinner... then thurs, they are coming out again.. upon knowing that i've got to work from 1-10pm.. my dad's face turned black.. and becoz of me.. they are going to plan all the night activities.. well.. don't even know if it's going to happen. i'm like.. so spoilt... but i like that attention... okok.. i'm AA.. who's not.. BAH