i never once believe in curses... neither did i REALLY believe in black magic...
but now.. i believe..

and i think i'm cursed..... either that or i must have done something terribly wrong that God wants to punish me this way.. or is it God's calling.. reminding me that i need him in my life.. that it's time to put him into my life?

things around me.. are always so unhappy... starting from my family... it nv ends... btw my parents, siblings... so on... things that has been a part of me.. my friends... band? work?! even work is going against me now... the computer system there seems to dislike me... whenever i wanna use.. it get some weird error that nv happens. or would not happen... which mean impossible laa.. even some colleagues also say i v suay... maybe i am... jus a jinx.. i really believe i'm one now...

look at things around me.. band.. friends...family.. isn't they much better off without me.. let me tell u.. of so many times i say i feel like dying when i'm down.. nv once.. the feeling of dying feel as strong as now... why am i here when i only bring unhappiness around?

i still pray.. that i will be a quiet gal.. why can't i live a single day jus WITHOUT talking?

why can't i survive a day alone..

i've got to learn to eat alone... shop alone... watch movie/concerts alone...

i've been listening to the same song.. over and over again... christina aguilera's HUrt... it brought out the different side of her... i mean.. not like her usual style of singing.. i like the whole tune of that song.. but haven't look into the lyrics yet..

CAN PPL STOP BEING SO FUCKINGLY CHILDISH?!!!

AND STOP PUTTING THINGS UR FUCKING WAY LAH!

the more i read something.. the more angry i feel.. like wtf... u wanna assume something.. then come and put in ur mouth (maybe at times i know.. but at times i will say i'm jus dramatising things) like wtf

and have u give a freaking respect to what u do?! HAVE YOU?! all u wanna do is to get the limelight.. get lo.. if that makes u happy.... i can't be bothered less... anyway.... i don't give a damn lah...

well.. melinda believe in KARMA...

damn damn damn damn damn!!! e show i wanna watch... none of the show time is favourable to me ='( sigh...gonna missed it again.. see lah! at times not melinda don't wanna watch movie lo.. but when she has the time to.. mei you liao.. *sob sob*

sigh.. i still think i'm cursed.. anything that i'm close with.. or whtsoever i'm in contact with will nv have a good ending... sigh.. today is another day to poor that statement man... BAH

anyway.. remember the bag i wanna buy from marina?! tsk tsk!! the shop owner agreed to ship in for me!!! but well.. let me go to far east and see if i prefer that bag or the marina de.. hahahahahhaa... i'm gladddddddddddddd...

my bro is going to KL, taiping, penang for... about.. a week?! yeah... he is... man... i wanna go =( i went... 2 yrs back... is it 2 yrs or last yr? all saints/souls day ma... go and visit grand-dad blah blah... i wish i can go.. though its like sitting in the car for dunnoe howwwwwwwwwww long.. but i still enjoy it...

what is love?
sigh...

i wish to know

ARGH!! i will always remember i have this super good friend named Tan Jin Ting, who happily woke melinda up at 5.40AM!! still can ask me "what are you doing?" SLEEPING LAH!! still need to ask meh!! hahahah bleah!! made me super sleepy one whole day lo...

i wonder if i have kidney problem man.. my lower right back is super pain.. whnever i stand.. it hurts.

anyway... had lunch with danny, veron and... clement.. bleah!! another day of laughter.. forever... well well.. oh!! veron got me the cross i liked since long ago... *sweet*

anyway. when i got back to the office.. when my mentor tell me that i will not be staying in the middle office.. i will be trsf to the front office to help the traders... mistakes are unforgivable... at first..i was kinda paranoid about me being transfered, i jus settled down in the MO.. and now, i'm going to go to a new place... =( no one to talk to.. all more... aged men... sigh... no more laughter.. man.. sad...

nvm.. its time to grow up!! need to get used to things.. front office is a better opp to learn.. it will reflect well in my CV next time too!! that's what glien said too! =x oopsy

melinda is tired...

Melinda is bored to death....... holidays are often like that.. esp when i don't have much plans... but i'm still v tired la... haaaaaaaa talking about it.. i broke my record... slept at 1.15am (thereabout) and woke up at 11.37am.. hiak hiak!!! u hardly see me slp till so late...

had a... not-so-nice dream.. but lucky it was only for awhile.. and i was fast asleep for the rest.. tsk...

i asked myself last night when i was having my supper at KAP... "is what i'm doing what i want?" yes, i know ppl leave during the whole course of life.. but.. "IS THAT WHAT I WANT NOW?" i'm jus going to make myself unhappy? why can't i cling on to it?

sigh

anyway.. saw another bag... now confused..

my memory isn't getting any better... today i was on the bus coming back home... i felt emptiness.. only 30mins after the bus ride.. i realised that i didn't listen to MP3 or rather.. i forgot the existance of it. this is getting from bad to worse...

honestly, its scary... i'm only 19... no one can feel the fear i have.

its scaring me!!! i'm having some sort of memory lost... -AHhhhhh... pulls hair-

i was around my house area today.. when i suddenly dunnoe if that's the bus stop i should alight (which is not la).. sigh.. this is no good.. WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

sigh.. today... was a... tiring day... ytr went out till 5+ in the morninggggggggggg.... but it was super fun!... weeeee -sing sing sing- whoops =x

hmmm... some diff feeling is in me... like.. do i really know him like.. that... well?
i simple phone call.. and i jus.. roughly guessed what's that phone call for... and was a spot on.. faints.. no comments... and i dunnoe what to say.. do i really really know?

i'm feeling sucky... feeling so out.. who's there to listen.. i v much wanna relax.. sigh... tension and everything get into me.. what's wrong man.. =(

sigh..

i think i am mad..

i wish i could die.. but i ain't got courage..

no more fakes.. no more lies.. no more separation.. no more unhappiness... no more pain.. no more saddness...

there's no point... no aim...

"and i don't know why, so many things, seems to get in the way"

this song's lyrics is ringing in my head since i dunnoe when.. it rings harder today...
one whole day.. other than this lyrics.. alot of things is going through my head. what i've said ytr.. what went on ytr... the exact words i used..

yeah.. my qns for the past few days was answered... yes, i am happy forawhile.. cos i ignored that pain i had... and now.. the pain had come back.. it's not what u have done.. but what things had changed. yups.. but i'm not gonna be selfish. what i wanted, is not what u want.

i realised.. no matter how i try.. i'll nv make it. i'll nv be the best.. not near the best, if selection takes place... it'd nv be me... i remembered how a friend told me about my attachment.. now.. in a friendship.. in anywhere.. it applies...

its always my fault...

can i disappear from the face of the earth.. i'm really sad and down.. i dunnoe what to do...

nvm.. i can rite all rubbish.. no one reads

"and i don't know why, so many things, seems to get in the way"

this song's lyrics is ringing in my head since i dunnoe when.. it rings harder today...
one whole day.. other than this lyrics.. alot of things is going through my head. what i've said ytr.. what went on ytr... the exact words i used..

yeah.. my qns for the past few days was answered... yes, i am happy forawhile.. cos i ignored that pain i had... and now.. the pain had come back.. it's not what u have done.. but what things had changed. yups.. but i'm not gonna be selfish. what i wanted, is not what u want.

i realised.. no matter how i try.. i'll nv make it. i'll nv be the best.. not near the best, if selection takes place... it'd nv be me... i remembered how a friend told me about my attachment.. now.. in a friendship.. in anywhere.. it applies...

its always my fault...

can i disappear from the face of the earth.. i'm really sad and down.. i dunnoe what to do...

nvm.. i can rite all rubbish.. no one reads

i haven't blog for so long man...
am a lil sick now... my nose is giving me prob

kee.. i woke up at 9+ today.. like a pig la... online.. slack.. showered... smsed.. and got out of my house at 11am to meet my friend.. bleah...

on my way to sch. i had a really bad gastric.. like as if i'm a pregnant lady... having contractions here and there.. hahaha.. that's the only way i can think of to describe about what i had this morning...

and i sace this bag that i like it alot alot alot. sigh... sigh.. ok.. headach.. whtever.. i'm not well.. pukey today too.. sigh

i really wish to have something in my life... but that seems to be so far from me... i don't have to courage to face it... i don't even have to courage to face myself.. there's nothing about myself to be proud of.. =(

hmm... mixed feelings this whole day.. like.. can't decide what i'm feeling, really getting more and more introvert.. can go medicure alone.. go shopping this early morning myself.. bleah

went to VIVO... tell u.. GOOD PLACE TO SHOP AH!!! melinda this shopper also haven't walk finish.. and the shops are only like 50% open lo...and i haven't walk finish.. hahahahhahaa... saw alot of things to buy.. there's this dress i like.. ahhhhh (sponsers?)

this this.. kekeke.. i wanna buy this dress.. S$50.. can can?! niceey???? i like ley.. but my sister said so so only.. my bro said not bad... bleah!!!!!! can i buy??! i wanna buy!!! BAH!!!!

sigh.. this yr xmas will be held at my place... but guess none of my friends will come laa.. all stay so far.. if not.. i'm not too fun to hang out with... BLEAH... i'm a lil starting to have that xmas feeling le... laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

HOW??!! should i buy that dress?? sigh

hmmm.. the vein melinda went for medicure ytr... since i've got nothing much to do, i made an appointment to go and do medicure.. but i made a v stupid decision that i kinda regret, nvm la... what's done is done.. bleah!!!

suppose to head down to lavender to take my pay.. then down to bugis for a lil shopping and dinner, BUT, boo hoo hoo, i only start doing my nails at 6pm instead of my app time of 5.30pm.. so.. ended up... at tiong bahru... =p

yes... i discovered happiness... but, now the qns i post to myself is, am i really happy? or am i acting like as if i'm happy to drown my sorrows?

i felt that i've got to let out something, which i can't identify what... each night.. i jus feel like going drinking... faints.

bleah.. monday is coming soon... i'm still hoping for MORE work... MORE MORE MORE!! =x oopsy. tsk tsk

alrighty, its a sunday morning and i'm already bored.. i'm getting fatter and fatter... congrats to me.. =x

and i have a super super ultra horny dream ytr... damn dumb la... of all the pregnant and marriage dream i have... =.=

well.. its a dream after all.... if i can meet the genie.. i would as for one dreamt o be true.. that is... THAT dream.. tsk tsk!!

Friends are supposed to be understanding, and patient and such.. but i'm not.. so i'm not worth a friend..

been living an introvert life lately. been happy being alone... lunching alone in the office...

i'm rather pissed off by the fact how guys at times treat gals like a piece of shit, when they need you, they will turn to you. be it normal work stuff or sexual stuff or whatsoever... what are this kinda guys called? jerks. and you know what's the funny thing about it? they tot we didn't notice. -shrugs- if not, they will jus show off to you who they are seeing and such... stop being such a jerkass la. made use ppl and that's it? u are jus showing the side of you.. ur ugly tail, pls keep that properly yeah? and... guys who wanna lie, here's a tip for u: TALK WITH CONSISTANCY!!!

BAH...

there's this song.. with the most perfect lyrics that feels my heart now... Love you lately by Daniel Powter... but i don't seem to find that lyrics around.. will post it up when i found it...

anyway.. went modesto today, didn't expect the interior to be so darn classy. i tot it's jus another cafe like setting.. who knows.. i got a lil shock, its way off my expectation!! darn nice!! nice place to chill nice place to go with ur close ones.. all in all.. NICE PLACE!!!

getting more and more frustrated with work... sigh...

well.. someone, i don't know... but, showed me his tots through the body language... so i tot, "so that's really the end of the chpt?"

nah.. ppl come and go... take it easy mel... forget it...

honestly, deep in my heart, i wished to hold on.. but i dunnoe if its a wise choice.. but today seems to hint me that i should

all these things doesn't happen overnight. it all accumulate since years ago... both are at faults. i won't blame it to certain things, cos that will be v childish of me.

trying to take it as cool as possible.. why is sadness getting into me now?! what should be in my memories are the good times i had.. not these... can i cry out? be the normal melinda?

that's so much so for not treasuring...

p/s show ur concern for ppl... don't wait till its gone.. then u start crying over it.. no point... i've lost my own battle no one knows how to save it... and i don't know how to..

to you: all the best to u. =)

bleah... since sunday, i haven't been slping early.. sigh... work is still BORING.. well dunnoe la... no comments... ekeke

anyway... i went hardrock today!! weeeee *screams* alright.. hardrock is really where my memories are.. today is a great gathering... i wish i could have that more often.. nvm.. i look forward to next april... then will get such gatherings again.. we parked our ass there for like... 4 hours? that was a laugh-non-stop 4 hours... keee i totally love it there.. memories all fly back.. kekeke.. a thousand miles is being sang there again today.. wee.. that place.. with that song.. tsk!! oh.. and we had a super early bdae celebration for one of my cousin who's going back to perth tml... her bdae is like.. on 1st nov? tsk tsk..

melinda is up to her bdae nonsense again la.. this time, her bdae is diff from the one that we had for my friend in feb... hers was much more fun.. with her getting kisses from others.. tsk tsk.. and she's a super shy gal.. kekekekek!!!

more of this pls!! MORE!!

-Who can make or rather, who made you feel that way?-

sigh... one month already.. and i'm still rotting in the office.. i'm really hating the kind of life that i'm leading in the office.. ppl say is happy money.. sit there do nothing then get paid.. HELLO?! i'm not a person who's entirely stupid or dumb or useless what.. sigh... BAH!!! jus that.. it had been ONE MONTH... and i'm counting...

listening to amazing grace.. reminds me of my deceased aunt... felt kinda sad.. tml i'm gonna be having dinner with her kids before one of them go back for studies... back to perth... tml gonna go HRC again.. memories... haaa... memories are a part of me.. in HRC, holds all my wonderful memories... that will be my 3rd trip of the yr liao.. keke.. oh man! i jus realised.. i went there on the 03/02, 03/03 and tml is 03/10!!! hmmm... ok.. nothing exciting about it... i know.. can they bring me back to those dates? and one more that's 2 yrs ago.

i lost many part of me.. i feel that i'm happier now.. but when time comes.. i know i won't be happy.. this is definitely not what i wan.. i know what i wan.. but then again, will i get it? i dunnoe.. things doesn't look nice or favourable to me.. maybe i'm too sensitive again...

but definitely, i'm losing it.. i dunnoe how to save it... and i ddin't make an effort to.. bcos i dunnoe it will help or make worse.. perhaps, worse. like i say, i felt that i'm a cursed woman.. ppl around me, won't be anygood or get any good.. i'll only harm them...

-Yawn-

jus finished 2 days of NATAS travel fair.. not a really good fair this time round.. perhaps... Malaysia Travel Fair is better.. busier... guess ppl paid 3 bucks to book something better and nicer than jus m'sia? where they can get it easily?

didn't do sales this time round.. was at the coach side... well well... it over.. kekekek 12 hours passed quickly everyday..

"smart" melinda v smart.. for 2 days, her dad drove her to EXPO, for 2 days she took a cab back home.. why? becos she didn't realise that she had forgotten to bring out her Ez-link card only on the 2nd day... SIGH... nvm la.. get to come home earlier.. and rest early...

i jus notice that someone's moodswings and temper is getting worse.. and worse than mine... like BOMB

anyway... i dunnoe leh.. i feel like a jinx, and tha ti've been cursed or something... why ain't things around be great ah? things seems to fail.. since pri like that.. been to the worse class, each time teacher have to tell us that we are the topic of the staff room and such.. siansz one lah! and now.. everything seems to be my fault.. ppl may say the believe me.. but what they let me felt is that i'm totally wrong, their mouth said so, but what did their heart says otherwise...