BAHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm superly tired..today... considered last day of work le ba.. i dunnoe if i wanna go for that 2 days work in aug.. how "responsible" of me right?! well.. it feels a lil.. sad... after all.. worked there for 1 yr... after so much happy or unhappiness.. blar... yups

there's something.. that has been in my mind.. but well.. nope... other than myself.. and leen.. there's no one i've spoken to... this is not nice... i don't feel good.. nice... safe.... free from tots?

exam is coming.. but i'm still slacking... argh!!

i'm having a mood swing...

when will i have time to pack my luggage?

i jus realised... that.. i've.. RARELY take pictures with my close friend.. i mean like.. me and her/him kind? what's memory for us? dunnoe.. maybe not memories at all or what? or is it really close friend in the first place? argh!!!

WHAT IS LIFE?

this qns had been on my mind.. while some are struggling jus to live for jus.. 1 day more... there are others who wish they could die... what did we treat our life as?

anything can jus happened... my mom is once suspected to have dunnoe what cancer (and she still refuse to take the test) and now... her... upper spinal cord there has some... bone thingy growing which requires her to go throught pyshio every week.. when all those happened.. i dunnoe how to help my mom.. nor my feelings.. she wouldn't stop nagging... super irritating.. and i'm hot tempered. but i know.. that.. when the time comes... i will jus have to say bye.. be it.. i like it or not...

i haven't experienced friends leaving me.. but relatives leaving already could trigger my tears system.. (those are relatives that i only meet during wedding.. not even CNY)

my sister jus broke a news to me.. saying that.. our common friend.. had a rare illness.. that cannot be cured.. and she is still going through her honeymoon period.. she's a hardworking lecture.. a weak child.. but cool... was it being fair? what's justice? what's fairness? yess.. i do feel like crying.. i don't like.. though i'm not close to her..

am i really.. soft.. or hard? why do i seem so strong outside.. but yet.. i'm this fragile in here. i wish i nv heard what i heard... i wish i nv get to see it.. but one day.. i know.. i'll be sick too.

****pei pei.. i know u are reading.. whtever u know here.. keep it to urself.. i don't wanna alarm anyone or anything (i mean about my mom)****

anyway.. yes.. i got into GIC. wish me all the best.. pray for my friend.. she needs lot of these... she's no one to u.. but she's someone who need tha tlil help from u. she's a vibrant young lady.. who's full of life... do'nt tear this couple apart. give her another chance in life...

i feel like going to the beach.. and stare at it... alone.. in silence.. in peace...

i came across this... this... screen.. and so i tot... to do that survey for fun.. and it states

You have high stress.

Take action now to reduce and manage your stress. Stabilize the amount of changes in your life and avoid unnecessary stress. Evaluate how you communicate, manage your commitments, and prioritize your time. Make stress-reducing lifestyle choices a priority: seek therapy or exercise.

faints... got that kua zhang anot?? bleah.. didn't have enough slp this whole week.. but though had some endless complains... i am rather happy these few days (ahh.. finally a happy post) kekeke.. and oh yar.. i'm... going... to.. GIC!!!!! kekeke... they send me acceptance email le.. weeee but..i must make sure i pass everything woh.. if not... no point... D.E.A.T.H. =)

ytr i was doing the so called exhibit for WISP.. using recycled stuffs.. which i always do... i'm kinda proud at what i've done.. too bad.. that has to be submitted.. i can't keep it =( i took some pics of it.. but dunnoe why.. soething wrong with blogger ba.. cannot upload...

dunnoe what to post about.. my brain's dead already...

dunnoe why and how.. i've been feeling a lil on the light side this 2 days... keeee =) thinking about ice cream makes me excited!! =x

one day... and so much had happened.. to blame it on myself or what? not enough slp.. only 2 hour of slp... unfriendly eyes.. + so much at work...

convincing myself... telling myself. DON'T THINK SO MUCH.. rubbish.. dunnoe wha ti'm talking about.. if any of u would know my situation... or were to be in my situation.. u all will also be at a loss... is anyone there with me?? HELLO?!!! *echoes* ... sigh

**edit:
alright.. at the end.. i found someone who's there for me today... + a bonus... from someone rare.. but i'm still feeling v bad from the morning experience.. was it jus a fright? bleah... i'm loving this song... and its lyrics... nice... it's unfaithful by.. rihanna...


[Verse 1:]
Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company
He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

[Hook:]
And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

**Chorus

[Verse 2:]
I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss up on my cheek
He's here reluctantly
As if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

[Hook:]
Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

**Chorus

[Breakdown:]
Our Love... his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)

Oooohhh... anymore

**Chorus
I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be.... a murderer

No, no, no... yeah

i Fu*kingly hate the way u ignore certain issues.. nvm.. so long as u like it can already... whtever u like to do.. but i 100% bet and guarantee.. if anyone does it the same was as me.. u won't reply the same way like u did to me.. F OFF OF MY LIFE CAN?!

i felt v pressurised.. v v v.. i wish i may stop doing certain things.. but that is called avoiding.. i really need a break.. away from everything.. let me start afresh.. maybe i'll meet with an accident later? and lose all my memory? then i'll start all over again.. alot of times.. i wondered.. have anyone think about me before... i do'nt think.. how i felt is impt huh? it's jus like that.. nvm.. i'll jus go away... i'll nv once be... impt... nv... so many ppl could jus take over me... ppl had fun with other ppl.. but nnv with me... i'm vex.. i hate him i hate him and i hate him.. wtf does he think he is?! fine.. all of u love him.. so be it.. i shall leave u with him! i jus want a time without him... i don't wanna see him.. and i don't wish to see him..

i can't stop sneezing...

Not a very good day...

Sucks...

Filled with feelings, feelings and more feelings...

like my msn nick suggested once again.. "am i holding on to something that i shouldn't have at all?"

i got that nick due to certain issueS. i have always been problematic.. when will i stop?

have i correctly chose for IAP? or i shouldn't have opt it at all. i am not having the attitude to work yet. HR skills bad, IQ low... EQ worse. in chinese "ren yuen bu hao"

so much things is affecting me now... IAP, Studies, work, band, and.. lastly.. frienship.. all of them.. make me feel like breaking down.. why can't i be sick? cry is all i know... how much i did.. is only... what i know... ppl don't care.. and won't bother.. that's how practical the world is. they only see the results, not the process. ppl can hack.. i can't..

looking at that window.. how i really wish i have the courage to go down. why ain't i good?

sigh.. cry again... told u.. that's all i know.

Let me present to you... the pics of last night.. talking about it... HAPPY 19th BDAE TO AAROn... and no.. i don't like him.. i'm good to him coz.. we share something in common.. not only studies, musically but spiritually as well.. keke...

While coming home last night.. met a terrifying cabby.. BAH... scary!! bear with it.. this blog template is not v friendly for pics.. but.. i jus wanna blog up my pretty pics.. sorry!! i jus like this template!! if u can advise me on how to do in order to get the pic fixed in.. tell me woh!!

maybe, i won't be the first one whom u turn to... for anything and everything. other than ur results that time. so happened u work the same day that's why?

i feel so weird... everything seems to be.. behind the scene... at the front line.. suddenly it seems.. so... weird.. like 2 strangers.. maybe that's the way things are... it's frustrating and irritating to hear this over and over again isn't it? i'm sianz of it too.. but whenever things surface to me... all this comes back... like... as if the wound was fresh even if it's a minor thing.. that's the impact on me.. like i say... maybe.. it's me and me alone from the first place...

right.. guy express if differently from gals... coz i'm a gal.. i don't understand.. how i wish i'm a guy. tiring isn't it? ppl can run it well.. going on so smoothly.. but... nothing ever goes smooth on my side... i really don't like it... i dislike myself when such things happen.

wait till i start my attachment.. and u start ur things.. everything will turn worse... worse!! bah!!

next.. i can't go on.. it's really a v... touchy topic....

_____________________________________

i'm serious and i meant everything that i said in my previous post.

well.. happenings today?! hmmm... woke up... and jus rush out of my house.. becoz i've overestimate myself.. tot i can get ready and leave home by 7.20am if i wakie at 7am.. who knows.. i can't.. anyway, i'm early after all.. nvm..

interview was.. i dunnoe how to describe bah.. but full of feelings.. half of me... saying "die le..." and lots of "what if", another part of me, was relieved saying "nvm lah.. over.. jus wait". sigh.. worse come to worse, i shall jus... jus... go credit swiss ba...

i'm really tired...

how hard i try, i nv seem to be good.

this post.. is dedicted to Mr B.

you've encouraged me, thanks, now, i can see it. but have u done it out of ur own initiative?

only till i complain.. u push me along.. maybe once again.. coz my name is melinda.. i don't see it happen to other ppl. i'm really thankful to see how ppl would sms me.. drive me to bed.. coz they knew i've got an interview.

many occasion.. my tears rolled down... heartached... but.. maybe.. it won't happen to u.. simply becoz i'm melinda. i've seen it all.. yes.. u all expressed differently.. i'm blind to see that... (too bad for me.. i know)

i tried to give up.. i can't, for i do not know what reason. i've nv give up from the start, though it seem like.. if i've ever do give up in the first place, whatever happened int he middle, won't even happen at all. even i say i give up, i've nv meant it.

too many things jus come like this lately.. it's all my bad.. i'm being negligent, being igorant, un-understanding, frustrating.. already knew ppl are frustrated still add on to them..

maybe u find it hard.. coz other friends need not be like me.. u can say "whtever" as and when u like.. u can whisper as and when u like.. u can express whtever u like.. without me giving that darn shit face of mine.

maybe.. it's jus so hard to maintain something with me.. that's why.. i'm always... this shape. i won't blame it u were to regret it.. or to give up... nvm...

i'm always full of complains. and what's not enough.. u jus can't be urself when i'm around. the way i see u hang out with other ppl.. i see urself. i see you.

i jus ain't good enough

my bad

till i next blog. Goodnight

honestly...

I MISS YOU....

for those minority who think they know who i'm talking about.. this time.. u all are wrong le.. i guess.. only 2 person who will know who i'm talking about.. after ytr.. i've been feeling so off... dunnoe is it due to tml or what.. i'm jus off...

Big Big thankie to Mrs Ong, Mervin and Yaanping, whom remembered of my interview and specially help me in a way or another when i don't expect them to.. really got a shock to get a sudden call/ sms from them...

well.. i'll jus try my luck.. there's nothing i can do at this point of time le... going in or not... i dunnoe..

a few things

1) congrats to all NPCB members!!! =) really glad that we've got silver even though i didn't show it out... consider that we only had one month ++ prac only... =) all of you had worked hard... esp to all clarinetist.. sorry that i can't be there.. (maybe no point saying sorry lah) kee.. you all have worked so hard... =)

2) after today.. i came to realise, that certain things i may do.. is really.. to kinda.. anger the other party, or jus.. trying to convince myself of certain things, yes, it's foolish. but, maybe.. it will bring that thing to an end.. when something starts. i don't know, i don't know how to put them down in words.

3) That i'll nv be someone.. whom anyone would think of.. other than bad things (becoz i have an unfriendly face) i couldn NEVER be better than anyone even though i tried hard. never...

4) been an exhausted day, nv talk nor anything doesn't mean that i've not be noticing.. i've been noticing.. and i'd jus say.. quite a hurtful day. once again, i'm jus, DIFFERENT

5) though it's july.. thanks beatrice for your bdae present!! =) nice one.. when my attachment starts.. i will use it..

6) changed my blog skin.

7) why am i so different..?

8) i feel like tearing again...

tsk!! what was nick looking at?! for me to know, for you to find out... kekeke

It's not easy.. and it's stressing and scaring me... i suddenly felt so heavy even though that thing is still quite a few days away from me.. but becoz of competition and projects... i don't have that much time as i sounded as if i have... bleahs....

keke.. had my cheese cake today.. FINALLy!! like... after craving for it for days... hmmm... ytr watch POTC also.. .keke.. nice nice.. but i think epi 1 is better than epi 2..

sigh.. i'm super tired le... loooking at the com... i can assure u.. that i'm what seeing is all.. going in circles and rounds.. like i'm going to faint anytime from now...

i slpt ytr.. knowing what dreams i would dream... and i really got that dream.. but subconsiously, i know that my dreams will always not come true.. and i don't wanna dream about that thing which i wan it to come true.. i somehow managed to wake myself up with a push.. and continue slping...

for yrs.. or months? i think at least for the past 1 yr lah.. i had been hoping and hoping... that certain things will happen, when i clearly know for sure that it won'thappen... but i'm jus so dumb... i came across a blog.. saying that.. this gal had been with this guy... with no feelings and such.. purely for ulterior motive.. which, is not for money.. but to anger or whtsoever another party... am i doing the same? sigh... there are exceptions to EVERY SINGLE THING. including r/s. what u said.. are only what u wish to have.. doesn't mean.. that it would suit u most. jus like in POTC, they say.. "those are jus like guidelines... not laws" it's not a must.. i kinda regret saying what i've said.. each time i say it.. i regret it.. i look forward to something.. but... i really know it won't happen.. no matter how much i want it.. or like it... and my dream ytr is connected to this topic...

this is one of my fave song...

Packing up the dreams God planted

In the fertile soil of you

I Can't believe the hopes He's granted

Means a chapter in your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always

It won't even seem you've gone

Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong

(CHORUS)

And friends are friends forever

If the Lord's the Lord of them

And a friend will not say "never"

Cause the welcome will not end

Though it's hard to let you go

In the Father's hands we know

That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given

Springing from the hope we know

We will pray the joy you'll live in

Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always

It won't even seem you've gone

Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong

becoz of such people..i felt inferior.. there are no space for me to feel wanted.. that's why i'm very much praise-driven.. has my words been given a consideration into? no.... of course.. everyone prefers to do things their way.., and they have 101 reasons to ask ppl to go with them.. but what happens when u voice out something.. and the other voice out at the same thing.. but the actions ppl give u is that they are not listening to u at all? that another suggestion is taken becoz of their special relationship?

maybe i would never experience that.. i do not have a special relationship.. i used to think i have one.. but... no point if u deem this person to be important but yet... to them... or that person.. u are jus the opposite?

it's like this since pri sch... bleah.. nonetheless.. yes.. i feel good when ppl praise me.. i'm rather a... praise driven person..

keke... and yes.. i was being praised today.. i'm always afraid that i would give stupid ans.. but today.. i was given that lil hope.. which i feel happy about... =)

you'll NEVER make an effort to remember... never...
maybe.. u'll remember if u tell other ppl...
or maybe.. that's only applicable for me....
i nv like such feelings.... the feelings of being forgotten.

i slpt so much.. and yet so crazy..
cry la cry lah... stupid melinda. only know how to cry.. go eat shit.
KARMA

am i going bersek coz i'm with the project since i woke up?

my mood is so affected by my stupid tooth....

aaron said.. since i say i am not wise.. i better pluck it out...

and i feel that.. things are different.. u seem to be avoiding... u don't seem to care about me anymore... whenever i talk about certain things.. u will choose to avoid and no those are not pessimistic stuff.. i dunnoe what does it indicate.. or am i jus too exhausted from projects..

i'm always feeling too different.. only becoz certain things meant more.. and i'm a fragile slut.

it's always my fault...

never once right

i feel v threatened and scare actually... i'm scare of separations... v scare..

been super busy with projects lately.. needless to say.. they sucks.. but somehow or rather.. they allow us to learn something from it. i dunnoe.. but i've been stressed.. i dunnoe if what i'm doing is right.. becoz of the failures and disappointment.. i do not have much faith in what i'm doing.. i'm scared that i would drag down the whole group's score..

Finally.. i've finished reading my story book as well... the first storybook that had moved me greatly, it was about this gal, sheila, age 6... she abducted a 3 yr old neighbourhood guy, tied him to a tree in a nearby woodlot and burned him. she was being refused by her mom at the mid of the highway.. her dad doesn't love her.. saying that she's a bad child, that's why her mom wouldn't wan her. and so, that's what she tot about herself too. a gal, filled with anger and a heart of revenge changed to the better.. when suddenly..something happened to her... the following is an extract from the book:

"uncle jerry," she began softly, "he tried to put his pecker in me this morning. But it wouldn't fit. So he took a knife. He said i was keeping him out. so he put the knife inside me to make me stop." i went numb. "He out a knife in your vagina?" she nodded. "One of the silverware knives. He said i'd be sorry for not letting him put his pecker in me. He said this'd hurt a whole lot more and i'd be sorry"

my heart totally went out to her.. tears rolled down my cheeks as i continued reading.. she was only a 6 yrs old gal and such cruelty was done to her. "what has the world become" i tot to myself. couldn't one's sex drive be controlled? the fears of a 6 yr old child... having to face the fact that her mom left, with the impression that she's a crazy gal.. and yet.. her uncle raped her in such ways? i was dumbfolded... totally..

this week, i've made some decisions for myself.. for better... (i guess/hope) still carrying the same glimpse of hope like i've always carried.. i wish for certain things to happen.. hmmm...

having a toothach.. that wisdom tooth is not good... start aching le.. =(

like what my MSN nick indicated... "My held back my tears serveral times today.. " partly due to project.. and another cause..

projects nv fails to stress me out... i wish i could yell everything out.. i wish i could jus cry.. but each time when i wan to.. it either jus don't wanna come out or i'm at that wrong place... i start to doubt my ability.. do i really have the ability of a 19 yr old? am i really capable of doing things?

another cause of tears... which i can't state here.. sigh... i dunnoe why one has to insist? am i really doing it wrong? maybe i am... dunnoe... i feel... like.. dunnoe what.. i also dunnoe what to say... nvm.. i dunnoe how to say... i can't possibly ignore it.. neither did i wan to remember it.. hurts..

gals always say the opps.. i jus realised.. maybe.. certain things i'm doing. is to provoke certain things.. but does it help? i say i like rich man.. actually, poor man i also dun mind... standards can be set by ourselves... but what we are talking about is feelings... nvm.. i can dream on...

another day had passed.. today was alot of up and downs.. maybe becoz i slpt too late and woke up too early ba... worked OT today as well.. i dislike this month i hate this month... endless deadlines to meet... sigh... well well.. i rather remember the happy part of today.. hmmm.. well.. it was kinda sweet to me.. something that i kinda don't expect.. tsk.. don't tell u all what.. lalallaa... well.. i dunnoe.. all my feelings are flying here and there... but.. overall.. i'm kinda.. on the light side today ba... like i said.. small lil actions means alot.. that small action had definitely brighten up my day.. thank you.. i am still smiling upon thinking of it..

till now.. my stand since long ago hasn't change.. communication plays a big part in life.. it's not jus... words.. if there are only words in communication... there wouldn't be such a word called "misunderstanding" well... too bad.. there are always barriers to communication.. and i am so called"victim" of it... i know i may be noisy... but.. i think i suffered a lil from it... alot of times.. i really don't dare to talk.. or rather... i would rather forget it before ppl say i'm persistent and blar.. sigh.. hmm... i also dunnoe why i'm suddenly on this topic.. at times.. i jus totally don't feel like talking.. =P

hmmm.. what a day at home.. faints faints!! no band prac.. no dates.. stayed at home to do project.. till i wanna break down... time jus flies when u are busy.. and indeed, it flew.. then met up with cousin for dinner... @ queensway.. but she li hai leh... i say meet at 5.30pm.. she tell me "wah.. so late ah" then.. in the end.. 5.40pm when i called her.. she jus left home!!!! li hai rite?! in the end i wait till 6.15pm thereabout. sigh. then i dunnoe how we managed to stay in the bo liao shopping centre till 8.45pm keke... what a boring day... SIGH. everything is draining me out..... sigh.. =( i'm tired..

when was my last post? i can't recall.. i'm thinking of closing this blog down... like.. doesn't make a diff if i have it or not lah. sigh... yar.. and life is all about stress and stress... what else? i'm such a person with no life... i'm sick up with everything that i hope i can jus fall sick now.. but not hints about being sick.

i wonder.. have u gave a consideration about me before? i think... i gave in in many different ways... i didn't fight for what i wan... u want.. i let u take it.. but at the end of the day... in the end.. when u tell me.. that u wish to give it up.. i feel like a fool.. i may appear to be flexible.. but behind i cancelled alot of things and scarific alot of things.. maybe to u.. it might be... "it's always that way" nvm... u will nv appreciate it...