pessimism came into me suddenly.... i shouldn't regret.. i made my choice... why am i think way?? letting it off.. and seeing it go.. is always like that.. i wanted to cry.. but my tears won't drop...

can all these not change? can we not leave? can we still hold on?
nah.. u found ur joy... while.. i at times have some joy.. but.. is all the joy i felt, real? am i really happy?

alright.. those are ytr pics... some are super ugly.. cos i'm super ugly.. hahaha ok la.. i think that some are nice.. considered the fact that i was having a bad hair day...bleah

on monday.... over a pic.. i had a super pervertic joke with danny.. well well.. it still kinda rings in my head...

weekend will be hectic for me.. gonna be working at NATAS...

weekends will be.. OUT OUT OUT =x monday out, tues gathering, wed.. REST, thurs band.. fri sectionals.. sat and sun i dunnoe.. kekeke =x

that will be next week.. gonna be meeting a cousin before she's heading back to perth.. now.. i'm considerating holidaying to either chiangmai or perth next yr.. if i go chiang mai.. that will be my third time going to thai.. a lil dumb lo. i seem to be travelling every yr.. but it's like.. only btw 3 countries? HK (2X), thai (2X), m'sia (countless).. or darwin? or maybe to a resort la.. jus wanna take some time off..

been getting a lil weird lately too... been skipping this and that meal.. ROAR... ok.. talking nonsense le.. i'm a lil stress and unwell.. maybe pregnant.. cos always wanna puke. tsk =x alright.. see ya soon!

WHY IS EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE LEAVING ME?!

Why don't i leave this world instead.. its jus not a place for me...

tons and tons of mistunderstanding... one after another...

i wan that.. i really want that.. but i can't have..

i leave it to God's will...

its not gonna be the same... it'll never be the same...

is trust still there? is believe still there? is the friendship still there? don't bother to address it.. i wanted to know.. but i won't confront anymore... it won't make a diff.. to me.. its the world.. to him or other ppl.. its jus an ant...

The impt of everyone.. cos they deserve it.. i don't...

don't worry.. without melinda.. the world will be a much better place yea...

i asked myself.. what is this? do i really mean what i think and say?

nah... i don't wanna repeat myself anymore.. maybe i'm jus a liar yeah... others better.. i'm convinced by that...

i don't wanna wsay anymore... i don't wish to say goodbye...

i wish to cry my lungs out..

maybe this is life.. the MELINDA life... i really feel like standing in the mid of the road.. and let a car whack.. but don't worry.. i need no sympathy of urs... u can walk away...

at night.. when i was lying on my bed, talking to GOd, i asked him, will u be taking me with u when i sleep? whn will u be taking me?

i'm not a likable child.. becos i've got a fucked up attitude.. that even my parents dislike me.. who likes me?! nuts.. that person must be nuts...

if i die.. no need funeral le... jus straight burn.. don't waste money... no one will bother to see.. nor will they wanna come..

i'm not kind and understanding.. not pretty and cheerful.. not open hearted enough.. not fair enough..

i blame it upon myself

that's what's called life..

sigh... i'm a lil emo today man.. =(
things seemed so so so so diff... and i realised why at the end of the day...

=) what's meant to be yours.. will be yours.. i won't be fighting... a lil no point rite? jus let God's will work.. what he deemed good... be it... i live to serve.. not be served. even if he wanna take away my most impt thing (currently) be it too... i won't fight already... do'nt worry...

i feel like a jinx.. where i go.. seems not to be doing good...
well... nothing i will wanna add.. its a life that i've got to take it.. even if i'm really the jinx...

goodbye to things that left me.. or is leaving me...

anyway.. gonna be taking over some things from my friend tml.. how sweet of my friend to get it over to singapore jus for me... =) thanks...

memories will be a part of me.. nothing much that we have gone through.. not much good memories.. but that will be those that i keep in my heart...

i still miss u...

my vienna boys...!!

mental state: exhausted, sleepy
physical state: listless, exhausted
feelings: sad, sleepy, grumpy

i feel as if i jus came back from a holiday, but the fact is, no. been beside my family members the past few days to cheer them on... resulting in a melinda, who is hardly home for the past few days.. it's good enough to see me at home for 6 hours (slping) the past few days... my lifestyle is jus.. wake up, work, go funeral, back, slp.. but the time i come back.. it's normally 1am??

nonetheless, that's the least i could do for my deceased aunt. met super lots of relatives... and they will jus go "u are whose child?". big big family, they tried listing out the family tree... we have at least 130 relatives.. but sad to say, all these happened too sudden, not all are informed.

these few days... i've been thinking alot again... on my family, about life, about so many things...

during the funeral mass today, while my cousin is giving a speech on his mom.. he brought ou beautiful points... one of which...

"life is jus like a concert, a musical, a punk rock concert. who would go home and cry and mourn about it? who would go home and feel sad? i normally go home telling myself how lucky i was, to be able to attend such a good concert."

he was tryingt o imply that its the same for life... everyone's life is like a concert, at the end of the concert, be glad that u went for that concert, u met this person... at the end of it... rejoice that u had been there... rejoice for that person as well that they had gone to a place where there is no more sorrows... he added that seeing his mom.. is like... listening to the last movement of the symphony... he kinda "scolded" us... (but actually trying lighten up the mood) and said "so, why are you all so disobedient to my mom's wishes (cos most r crying)"

he actually done reseach on what's after life.. and went through the stories of those who live to talk about their near-death story... thus, able to prepare himself so such... these few days.. i only see smiles on his face...

sigh... about this few days event.. it is super long.. it will forever be in my heart...

the smile of my aunt.. the glory of hers... the memories of my extended family, will always be in my mind...

you will be missed.. i am already missing you..

ppl come and go in everyone's life... we are on the earth... to find the way back to God... some ppl made it.. some ppl din't...

in a single day... i learnt about 2 person's death... they are not strangers in my life.. they do'nt jus come and go... they contributed to my childhood...

1) my aunt, Elizabeth Rose Berry... like her name suggested, not a chinese, she never got to know who's her dad... when i was young... out families would gather.. we would go to her house almost everyweek swim, play, talk... whtever there is... till one by one all grew up...

she migrated to aussie when she learnt of her cancer... the battle carried on for 3 yrs... then she came back to singapore...

her death was a sudden one... i was shock... looking at her pics.. looking at her.. the images of my time at her place all came back to my mind... i miss my childhood... i miss those days when we go her house and had fun... she's a person whom i never fail to see, her smile.. her smile.. shows u her gracious-ness.. when till this day.. this moment.. she still look as good as ever...

the only pity thing was that her child is not at her deathbed... they were in the air.. flying back to singapore.. when their mom passed on... seeing all these scene.. made me feel like tearing more... thank god their dad is a pilot.. they get to catch the flight back.. one of them almost can't make it...

then, at that moment, i was telling myself "can one of the NPCB ppl forgo their flight seat on sat.. and let them come back first?" nothing matters more to see the last of her...

2) my mom's old neighbour mom... whom i called.. po po (granny). i used to run to her house when i was young too.. cos she stayed near me... ever since we grow up... i shifted, i stopped visiting, or rather.. RARELY...

i've not seen her for years... i can still remember how she looks like.. like those kinda tv show's hong tuo jing.. or rather.. she used to be one.. with my maternal granny... even when i didn't go other.. she would ask my mom about me.. well.. days ago.. i heard about her from my mom.. still clear headed.. but.. God's calling is unexpected.. she left...

they left.. to be at God's side.. they are not defeated by cancer.. but brought to a better place where they have been searching for.. their misery on earth ended..

funeral is yet another occasion to bring families together... i've met up with uncles and aunties whom i've not seen for... 11years...

one by one... is leaving... life is so fragile... jus have to expect it..

i am jus trying to be strong.. many times of the day.. i feel like crying.. who can i tell all these to?

been thinking lots lately, what's best.. what's not...

glad to say.. i guess... i can't really recall the... not-so-nice-things... that happens... that doesn't mean.. that things ain't impt to me anymore... a chapter may come to a close.. and another starts... that's life...

i've been clear of what i'm thinking.. my stand doesn't change... jus that... perhaps.. jus let it be this way.. i don't wan him to be unhappy either... we are ppl of diff worlds yea.. should be glad that we've come so far alr... what i should keep are the memories... though there are not much.. but some memories.. are jus not to be forgotten... perhaps.. he forgottten.. but.. it still remains as sweet to me as how it was a few yrs back... it still brings a smile to my face...

like i've said.. i can't make u smile, i can't make u happy.. i can't take away ur sorrows.. but sadly, i only add into the sorrows and trouble u have. i see the joy ppl bring into ur life... maybe perhaps.. that's what u deemed to be the "real" melinda.. the melinda with that tail... well.. i always tot u'd know me better.. but... nahz...

life moves on.. i like treasure everything yea... i nv give up on anything though i may feel otherwise.. those are what i put across.. not how i felt... choose to believe or not... entirely up to you... i've left with no more words

this post.. applies to all.. not only the one... =)

anyway.. its not meant to be a pessimistic post.. i'm in a cheerful feeling...

=) tired though.. slpt for only 3 hours last night..

-screams-
i jus broke my nail... and i jus painted them today...
*bimbo*

yups yups.. i went for a short "holiday" to m'sia.. hahahahz no laa.. main purpose is to visit granny lah.. but i only spend some time at home (in m'sia) then off to else where... been on the road.. each time i get into the car and travel for sure.. there will be some ambulance around... and this reminds me of the situation in singapore when singaporean drivers encounter ambulanc.e.. so far.. i've YET to see any nice drive who will really try to let the ambulance pass... but in m'sia.. though u can say that they are dangerous driver... trouble maker.. whatsoever.. to me.. it was kinda pleasant so far... but there is one thing in them that i don't see in singapore. when they heard the ambulance's siren.. they will look out for where the ambulance will be heading.. and for that min. u can jus see all the cars all squeeze themselves to the side.. jus to let the ambulance cross. i mean... sorry, but i don't see that in singapore.. its HARDly.. not becoz there are not ambulance crossing my path k... i was in the path of 3 ambulance jus now... different place, different time. the last encounter was at the custom, sunday, expected, jam... sandwiched by all the singapore cars... and there i hear.. and saw the ambulance from the rear mirror.. all i can see.. are m'sia car trying to move, what are the singapore cars doing?!! stationery when there are lots of place to move... are we really THAT selfish?! its a life that we are talking about... i know it doesn't concern u laa.. but at least.. give them a chance to survive...

my insecurities are getting a lil worse... sigh

i think tv nowadays are a lil misleading.. or are they not? i was watching an advert, then it says, "what is a r/s?".. one of the replies is "silent separation"... true in a certain sense if u are going through.. but... it will.. make ppl think the wrong things too..

nice weather to slp.. am super tired.. wasted half of my day rotting when i can be doing my report... 11pm seems like 1am to me now...

i came across this webby.. and came across something.. something that i see... i puzzled
if what i see is a lie.. then.. ok lah
if what i see is a truth.. then.. i'll be a lil sad...

will be going back to m'sia tml.. gonna visit granny..

changing one's perception is easy.. i dunnoe how to go and solve misunderstandings now.. i jus let them go on and on.. sigh.. =) nvm la.. i also dunnoe what to do..

well.. i guess he must be v happy.. what he can't get... he doesn't wan me to have it too...

i also dunnoe... a part of me seems lost... of all things... the thing i cared for the most...

perhaps... other ppl are really better friends than me.. i'm lousy.. goodfriends are always easy to find for anyone.. ecp for me...

my insecurities...

Happiness is what i felt this morning..

Fear and some disappointment is what i felt during the mid morning...

Gladness is what i felt towards the end of the morning...

surprise call is what i had during lunch...

boredom is what i had for the whole day...

sadness came in while all those happens....

excitement came in too...

not forgetting... confusion...

i'm so disoriented...

there are a no. of things that are inconvenient to put it up on the blog.. i've decided to give it some time... i'm unsure of what the ending would be.. but i hope it won't be nasty... each time i'm a lil hopeful.. things crash.. jus like how my morning crashed today...

well.. i told myself.. time to move on.. u can't get stuck with the same thing... why am i being so unfair to myself at times? there are so much more outside... but.. i stood here waiting... but u nv come...

i'm being a.. not-so-nice grand daughter... my granny jus had an opt.. and i've got so much things to do that i can't be back.. no wonder they also don't like me.. and bitch about me being sticky to my mom...

actually.. can't blame anyone laa... i'm a gal who doesn't have manners.. a gal.. who's full of trouble.am not likable... like.. duh.. my mom always say i'm ill mannered.. maybe i am.. my mom said my dad don't like me most... perhaps.. becos of band and studies.. i jus miss out on family stuff...

jus.. a.. nobody's child.. anyone wanna adopt a 19 yrs old?! ( i guess they don't even wan a person like me) oopsy
=x

hmm.. my results?? surprisingly, a lil above expectation... GPA of 3.3750

CORPORATE FINANCE & ADVISORY SERVICES -> B+
INSIGHT INTO THE TOURISM INDUSTRY - > B+
INVESTMENTS -> A
MARKETING OF FINANCIAL SERVICES -> B
PRACTICE & LAW OF BANKING -> B
TREASURY -> B+
WORLD ISSUES: A SINGAPORE PERSPECTIVE -> B

am i looking forward to Uni? half yes.. half no... i dunnoe how i can handle the stress... i dunnoe how life would be.. perhaps.. more ppl dislike me.

*God, send someone down... to take my hand.. to anywhere.. even if You want me to be with You, i will go. Fill me with the strength and the appropriate mindset..

tears flow...

and flow...

flow...

flow...

when are they gonna stop... no where.. i close my eyes.. close my ears.. give me a day.. free of work.. free of band.. free of everything...

i seem to be the cause of everything... the cause of how things happen.. but seldom the cause of something happy...

poor friends of mine.. no wonder i've got no friend.. serve myself right.. (go ahead and laugh)

more tears are going to flow tml.. hurray to me... i dunnoe what to say or feel.. my day is jus slipping me past day by day...

what i've planned for.. maybe won't need to be used... i can buy the bag i wan now..

i dunnoe what i'm talking...

suddenly.. the feeling of losing.. is so so so scary... was dragged up of bed to hear some bad news last night.. went to work with some things i don't wish to hear... and melinda is being unreasonable again.. (since when has she been reasonable?) perhaps.. nv in this life.. ppl also had enough of melinda...

likie i say.. fear of losing is there.. but its inevitable... lose what? a friend.. and granny...

nothing major for granny.. but lets hope. everything will be fine... not close with her.. but still.. dearest...

oh.. even my granny doesn't like me..

i'm jus a unlikable child...

nobody's child

i agree that when one starts working... they gets distance-d from their social circle...

my social circle is already so small alr.. it gets smaller.. and smaller.. and yet.. i'm not holding on to it.. BAH

i dunnoe.. i guess i'm losing quite a no. of things.. here comes my paranoid-ial!!!!

hmmm... tired..

now i know why all these happen.. why all my social circle gets so fuckingly small.. it's becoz of me.. and myself.. it's all.. MELINDA.. now.. i get disappear.. are u gonna be happy?! i guess all is happy...

to brian: u will have less trouble.. u'll be much happier... maybe this way works.. i get so fuckingly sick it.. it's me.. and this i know.. no need to tell me it's not.. thanks.. things had became so obvious... need it be eleborate?

to whoever who spy: u will be happier now..

to myself: FORGET ABOUT IT!!

i'm falling deeper and deeper... wooo.. i'm mad...

but i'm really falling deeper.. which is no good sign woh.. =(

been tired... work is STILL boring...

gonna be doing something stupid.. but thinking of it.. makes me a lil happy... to think that the other is happy... lalallaa

i've started to draw shopping list for X'mas... and my wishlist...

but no point.. how many will actually buy me X'mas present.

as age is catching up... things get more and more "affordable" to us... thinking of what presents to buy for bdae or Xmas is.. TOUGH!!! like.. i dunnoe what to buy le...

went shopping today.. but.. nth to buy.. always liek that.. when i have the ability to buy.. ntohing to buy.. when i've got nothing to buy.. alot of things need to be bought.. kekekek...

am talking to sis while typing this post... i settled my dad's Xmas present alr!! tsk tsk.. i only left with my sis'.

i dunnoe how to describe this whole day... empty? bored.. moody? none... bleah...

i jus came home from ikea.. nothing to buy there... sianz.. not inspired to do anything... i wanna buy ribbons.. but raining cats and dogs... how to go?! sianz laaa

i dislike being a female... i alr know what to wear tml le.. then suddenly.. sigh.. stupid ass.. gal's biggest hindrance came... good lo.. have to rethink now...

i'm a lil bored now.. not knowing how to spend the rest of my day... tiredddddddddddddddd

liky me msn nick suggest...

i wanna disappear from face of this earth

no kids about it.. i'm so tired from it.. where's the joy of this life? perhaps.. there's nv be joy in my life... i could think of all those smiles and laughter.. had they became a dream? are they all fake?? more tears flowed this weekend.. i'm jus as tired... yar.. like always.. i'm always wrong.. i don't wanna listen.. if it makes u happy.. i'll leave... u don't have to say anything... i don't wanna be strong anymore... i'm not in the first place...

don't stand by me... u can go away... i don't deserve it.. other ppl deserve it... u must have regretted ur decision... i know.... u'll nv expect things to be like that rite? guessed as much too. when he force u to choose ur path.. whenever things come to this for me... i can't help.. but to compare me with him... am i as evil as him?? perhaps i am.

i'm all prepared for u to go away... it's my loss.. not urs.. it'll nv be ur loss... u can find replacement as simple as looking for macdonald in anywhere...

i've nv be a better gal... now i see why...

i really wish i'm gone.. its painful...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH GUYS or perhaps.. a handful of guys i know...

1) i seems to only attrach/ know guys of.. ONE age group
2) Guys around me... (not all) are attention seeker... making gals look like sugar mummies...
3) They are freakingly petty (worse than gals) but yet gals are petty
4) EGO!!!!! talking about this topic.. it's irritating lah!!! freak! keep ur EGOs... gals also have PRIDES can?!
5) and they are a BIG TIME show off-er!! whatever u have.. cars.. extra house... money.. keep it to urself.. don't tell me about it.. i'm not the least interested..
6) and.. they are not for serious game
7) Unappreciative (BIG TIME!!)

why are ppl around me weird.. which part of me send out the wrong signal ah? jus like this friend of mine... used to be close laa... but it's irritating. keep saying i'm sensitive.. perhaps.. i admit, to a certain extent.. but he's worse off lah!! gt gf gt gf laa... need to hide de meh... don't need to beat around the bush.. then flare up when u know it.. i mean.. hello? as a friend... i cannot know meh.. if i have bf.. i will also tell my friend what.. so... karma for him.. i told him don't be so sensitive.. and now.. dunnoe who's the petty one... let me tell u.. he's a hell lucky guy.. at least i didn't give him hell! he's not grateful... not appreciative.. even brian calls him an IDIOT.. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Gals.. any guys who are that secretive... don't be like me so stupid hor... but i've learnt to be.. a tiny winny smartie le.... (like finally?)

work was... BORING... there is NOTHING to do.. kekek.. but well.. its only first week.. next week i've got more things to run i guess.. will spend most of my week next week to prepare for the "BIG" thing for the coming thurs.. which.. is deemed.. v impt.. one mistake.. = bye bye kinda thing?

another thing is giving me headach... i can't see a need for such rude ppl... who do not have a sense of politeness.. like most of the guys... he/she do things for a motive... what he/she done.. is kinda demoralising for ppl..which is has almost succeeded doing it la.. too bad.. I WON'T FALL FOR UR TRAP!! wait long hor... bleah!!! well.. i believe in karma...

there is alot of things that is in my mind.. and yes.. i know what i'm thinking, i know what i want.. but... i know for the fact that, nope, it'll never be mind.. even if i wanna fight for it.. it will also never be mind.. got reason de la... jus inconvenient to state it out here.. =) but i still carry that lil glimpse of hope in me.. like what i had in my... long-ago post..

attachment gonna start tml.. hopefully.. i'm not going to rot my way through.. i don't like the feeling of rotting.. BLEAH!!!

i'm gonna miss so much things.. i mean.. not that kua zhang de.. but for 6 months.. definitely there will be something that u are going to miss out de ba.. =)

wish me luck k?? for this attachment.. my expectation is.. NO MISTAKES... =p

i was reading a mag... and i came across this line that one of the celeb said

"being romantic is never about big gestures but rather, it's about things that aren't quite tangible. little things like looking out for you when you cross the road or making sure you've eaten. it usually happens when you least expect it and when it does happen, you'd go... 'awww'"

well well well.. TOTALLY agree... something.. not all learn, they tot being caring.. or someone is romantic.. by doing big big stuff that's tangible... no need... a sudden hug, jus some nice words... some unexpected things.. are good enough.. u need not go to the extent of booking a table for 2, having candlelight dinner (seldom ppl know how to do it.. not ppl of my age that is) buying her things.. blar.. not all works this way...

i dunnoe what is wrong with me.. several things.. i jus wish it happens.. time seems to be running out...

stress is gonna come.. results are gonna get released soon.. am i gonna fail?

Rondeau's gonna come... + attachment... clash clash... sigh...

there's alot of things in my mind... alot... i don't wish for alot of things to happen...

ytr was a... DAY!! supposed to meet a friend.. but didn't... (sigh.. what a start) but nvm.. managed to be at home.. doing stupid things.. =x but it ended great!! that i reach home at ... about.. 1.45am... so tired that i K.O over 10 mins of internet....

went for the opening of Singapore Biennale.. not as fantastic as i thought it would be.. i guess the exhibit would be more spectacular than ytr's opening, or perhaps, that's the part of "art" that i don't understand... =) wei wei... nonetheless.. yes, i went

noon, was out with a friend... chilling my whole afternoon off... -wheeee- i like that... =p today... i'm heading for airport!!! be it popeyes or fish and co.. i'm gonna go there!! lalalalalalallaa am i out of my mind?! perhaps... =p

attachment gonna start... attachment's gonna start!!! =( but i haven't learn pivot table... BAH!! kee... i can't wait for it.. but of course.. the first one week would be boring i guess... what to expect.. i'm gonna be an intern.. even if i'm not an intern.. i guess, it'd be boring for most of the ppl on the first day of work.. this is unlike days working in regent star, first day already face all the stress, already had work to do.. bleah..